Keep On Rockin' In Midgar
by Kawaii-n-Junsui
Summary: Cloud is spiraling down a road to no return as we witness the effects of alcohol on poor Vincent. Meanwhile three silverhaired men attempt to find a house after being revived and Sephiroth plots his homecoming... CloudTifa VincentYuffie
1. NOT A'CEPTABLE!

**Author's Note: **Kawaii-chan here! And welcome to our newly-written Final Fantasy Humor Story: Keep On Rockin' In Midgar! You may want to read our Advent Children Parody if you want to understand some of the jokes, but other than that, all I have to say is this story contains lime (discriptive makeing out), some lemon (discriptive... er... yeah), strong language, dirty jokes, and jokes some people may find very offensive. While this starts out a bit silly, we do have a plot, so please keep reading! No flames are welcome, but constructive critisism always is! Thanks!

Keep On Rockin' In Midgar

Day 1:

NOT Ac'eptable

Kadaj: Today was possibly the WORST day of our lives!

Yazoo: There is this woman… this creature… known as the "Super Nanny".

Kadaj: She takes away all of your pretty weapons and makes you be a frikken goody two shoes!

Yazoo: … the hell?

Kadaj: Fuck you

Loz: That's not very nice guys! You shouldn't say things like that! Jojo's a very nice nanny!

Kadaj: What are you, three!

Loz: Uh… ya! So are you!

Yazoo: Well, that still doesn't change our minds about her!

Loz: But she gave me a cookie!

Kadaj: Argh! Anyway, I need to take an Advil, so just read ahead about our first horrible day in Hell.

Loz: It wasn't horrible!

Yazoo: **pulls out gun**

Loz: ….. maybe it was? V

**What happens when Advent Children characters stop being so nice? **

**Yazoo: Hits Reno **

**Cloud: Makes out with Tifa**

**Yuffie: Kills toaster**

**And start living in the real world.**

**Vincent: Shoots Super nanny**

**This is a story-**

**Marlene: Kills teddy bear **

**Of Parenthood**

**Cloud: Passes Out**

**Tifa: Pokes Cloud **

**Love**

**Vincent: Hugs Sephiroth **

**And Most Important… Chicken**

**Everyone: Eats a happy chicken dinner **

Cloud sat, staring out the window, as there was obviously nothing better to do; because if there was, Cloud would probably be running around town, killing random objects with his shiny blades of doom. Cloud was doing something very important. Something a man does when-

You are **SICK**. Get your mind out of the gutter.

When he's waiting for his girlfriend to come home from… the dreaded… the terrible…

SHOPPING.

Oh yes, Cloud hated shopping, almost as much as he hated Sephiroth, maybe even more. All those hours and hours of "Do we need this, Cloud?" and "I don't know Tifa, do you think we need a thigh master?" as well as "Cloud, does this make me look fat?" and "YUM." Well, that wasn't so bad. But when she did try on something that didn't look too good… he didn't want to lie… and-

Cloud rubbed a sore spot on his head.

The blonde man wondered what Tifa would come home with today… maybe another chia pet… those were kinda fun. But nobody ever took care of them and they always died after about two weeks. Or maybe one of those as seen on TV things… that seemed really useful but never seemed to work properly after the third time you used them. Or some of those fun balloons that didn't pop when you poked them with a fork… or more random shit they didn't really need but Cloud enjoyed for all of two days anyway.

Suddenly, Cloud heard the front door open.

"Ch-ch-ch-chia!" He muttered to himself. He hoped Tifa got him a new chia pet. That would be nice.

"Tifa!" He cried happily as Tifa walked in, "Did you get me a tweet? Did you get me a tweet?"

"Um, you want a tic-tac?" Tifa held out a small box of tic-tacs to Cloud, who made a sad face.

"Aww… where'd you go, anyway?" He asked.

"Um, you know, just the drug store, here and there." She shrugged. Cloud went to grab her bag.

"What didja get?" He asked.

"OO Um- um, just, you know, girly stuff, makeup and… lipstick… tampons!" Tifa replied a little quicker that she should've.

" Ewww…" Cloud let go of the bag, "Get something good next time, like a chia pet!"

"o.o Okay, yeah, whatever, Cloud. Um- see ya?" Tifa attempted to dash off, but cloud grabbed her wrist, '_Shit._'

"Where ya goin'?" He asked in a singsong voice.

"Oo Um… bathroom?" Tifa shot him a big smile.

"Whyyyyyyy?"

"Um, to pee?"

"You don't sound very convinced, do you really have to go?"

"Well, er… I just went but I think I may have to go again!"  
"Okies I hate it when that happens."

"oO Riiiiiight… Um…. Bye?"

" Bye bye. Have a nice leak."

"Oo Okay."

Tifa dashed off at the speed of light, leaving Cloud to morn over the chia pet he could've had. Finally in the bathroom, she ripped out a small blue box. It's face and sides where a pearly white with pink loopy cursive writing. On the very cover was a stylized happy face. _Well that's kinda gay._ Tifa thought, carefully opening the box. She pulled out a small wrapped stick and peeled off the wrapper. After reading the directions on the box several times, she followed them and placed the stick in a small cup of urine.

_And now I wait!_ Tifa sat on the edge of the tub, staring at the walls. _We really need to re-wallpaper in here._ She thought. _I should have got some more shampoo, and some bath beads as well. I KNOW Cloud has been using mine! That dumb good-for nothing, stupid, heroic, drool-worthy, blonde! Hmmm… _Tifa turned her attention back to the stick in the cup. _How does that thing work, anyway? I don't know how pee could tell you if your- _Tifa drew in a ragged breath as the stick started to beep.

"Wah!" she yelped, racing to stifle the noise.

"What wazzat?" Cloud yelled from the other room.

"Nuh-nothing! Just my watch!" Tifa yelled back.

"What you set the timer for?" But Tifa was no longer paying attention to Cloud, and had instead turned it towards the small stick in her hands. _Oh, shit…_

"Tifa?"

"…"

"Tifa!"

"Y-ya?"

"Are you okay in there?"

"Ya, I'm fine. I'm great. Everything is wonderful!" Tifa gave a fake smile to no one in particular. Her words sounded corny even to her own ears.

"Okay… but that sure didn't sound like your watch."

"It's… uh… running out of batteries!" Tifa replied, hunting for a quick answer.

"So why didn't you get more while you were out?" Cloud inquired, still oblivious.

"Because… uh…" Tifa found herself speechless to her dismay. "Because I needed to get waffles!"

"Huh?" Cloud scratched his head on the other side of the door. _Waffles!_ Tifa fumed at herself. _I'm gonna have to tell him sooner or later. But… when? _"Right." Cloud nodded sarcastically. "Waffles…" Cloud could hear Tifa sigh through the door. The doorknob rattled, and the door swung open. Tifa stood before Cloud, hands clasped before her. She stared dolefully up into Cloud's azure eyes, biting her lip in uncertainty.

"Cloud…" Tifa stopped and swung her arms around his neck, bringing her body close to his.

"Uh?" Cloud uttered in brief shock. "Heeeey, Tifa!" he wiggled his eyebrows at his girlfriend hopefully. Tifa pulled her face from out of the crook of his neck, chocolate orbs staring back at him in exasperation. She snuggled into his chest, running a hand through his straw colored hair.

"Hold up, Spiky!" She muttered with a grin.

"Awwww." Cloud pouted.

"'Cause take a look at THIS!" Tifa brandished the half-wrapped stick in front of Cloud's chest, just at his eye level. Even as Cloud read the block printed words on the stick, a small part of his mind registered that Tifa was uttering the same words he was reading. "Cloud. I'm pregnant!" Tifa smiled nervously at her boyfriend. Cloud blinked, looking up with a dazed expression at Tifa.

"I'm gonna be… a… DAD!" Cloud beamed as he scooped Tifa off the ground and swung her around. Tifa relaxed and embraced Cloud, kissing his neck.

"So… uh… does this mean we're getting married?" Tifa asked hopefully.

"Hell yes!" Cloud nodded, maintaining that dazed, sugar-high appearance. Tifa nodded and smiled.

"Hmmm." She looked into Cloud's eyes playfully. "You know we have to tell the others, right?" Cloud paled.

"Oh, ya." He agreed sullenly, making Tifa giggle.

"What's the matter?" Tifa asked, sitting next to where Cloud had plopped himself down on the sofa.

"Vincent's never gonna let this one go." He whined.

"Huh?" Tifa cocked her head to the side.

"Well, you know that whole thing with Lucrecia, and Sephiroth possibly being his son? Well, I always gave him a hard time about having a love child and… well…" he trailed off.

Tifa snorted, "Ya, but we ARE getting married, so-"

"Ya, but the point is that you're pregnant _before_ we're married." Cloud pointed out.

"That's not hardly my fault." Tifa smirked, poking Cloud in the chest playfully. "You just have been taking a while to propose!"

"Well- I- uh… I've been busy!" Cloud defended himself, blushing brightly.

"Ya, with me!" Tifa laughed.

"Ah-heh heh." Suddenly, the phone rang, saving Cloud from more questions. Tifa jumped up to answer it, leaving Cloud alone on the sofa. Within a few short minutes, Tifa was back, a slightly disturbed look on her face.

"What is it, Tifa?"

"Well, there have been some reports that Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo are… back."

"What! That's Impossible! Kadaj died from the wounds I inflicted Sephiroth, and he died in my arms. As for the other two, they blew up in the explosion!"

"Well, at least Loz did." Tifa agreed. "Apparently, Yazoo survived, and… well…" she trailed off, holding in laughter.

"And what?" Cloud pushed.

"And Reno dragged him of into the sunset and MARRIED him!" Tifa exploded.

"He WHAT!" Cloud asked, eyes bugging out.

"You _did_ know Reno was gay, right?" Tifa inquired.

"I thought it was just an act." Cloud sat back dumbfounded.

"Oh, honestly Cloud!" Tifa cried in exasperation. "Anyways, apparently through some weird twist of fate, Kadaj and Loz are back from the dead."

"So what do we plan to do about it?"

"Well, seeing as Sephiroth was only using Kadaj as a vessel, and you killed Sephiroth, I don't see Kadaj as much of a major threat anymore. But still, we can't exactly just let them wreak havoc in the streets."

"Ya…" Cloud trailed off, looking out the window, the image blurring in his mind. Tall, metal buildings exploding, scraps of metal falling on the streets, spearing people, catching fire in the sunlight. Cars lying wreaked and piled up on the sides of the roads, street signs lying wily-nily about. Asphalt torn in several places, broken sidewalks. And death. Death everywhere. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children. And in the middle of the city, the three silver haired men from hell - smiling, of course. Cloud gave an involuntary shudder.

"Uh, Cloud?" Tifa inquired, peering over at the towhead in concern.

"Wh-wha?" Cloud stammered, remnants of his vision still clinging to his mind.

"What are we gonna do about this?" Tifa bit her lip.

"I think this calls for desperate measures." Cloud stated grimly. "I'm sorry, Tifa, but I must do this!" Tifa looked at her man curiously, as he stalked over to the phone and punched in a number.

"Yes, Jo? This is Cloud Strife. I need your assistance. How many? Three. How old? Well… they've only been around for three years, but they're – no I don't think they're three. I don't know. Yes. Thank you." He hung up the phone and turned to Tifa sullenly. "It has been done."

Tifa shivered. "You called… her?" she stammered. Cloud nodded.

"I'm sorry darling." He said apologetically.

"So, they're gonna be kept here?" Cloud nodded again.

"I guess so."

"For how long?"

"As long as it takes."

Kadaj: So now you see were this all began.

Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo: Big brother.

Yazoo: I had just managed to get away from my husba-wife-Reno, and met up with Kadaj and Loz when…

Kadaj: When big brother had to pick up the frikken phone and call that monster to take care of us. Like we NEED taking care of!

Loz: I like it when Ms. Jojo takes care of us!

Kadaj: Shut up, ya dumb doughnut!

Loz: I love doughnuts!

Yazoo: Anyway, back to the story…

"Hey Kadaj." Yazoo began. "What do you think big brother will do, once he finds us?"

The silver haired, leather-clad men stood in the city's core, at the site were an old monument used to stand. One of the men, the one with mid-length hair, kicked at a metal sign with the words "Keep rockin' in Midgar," inscribed in it. He looked up with a bored expression, and in a laughing sort of voice, "He'll probably try to kill us again. But we'll be ready."

"How is it that you and Loz are… alive?" Yazoo inquired, setting himself down on a broken piece of stone, ignoring the questioning glances of passersby, whom had yet to forget them.

"Ya dumb kids!" a man yelled to their deaf ears. "You some group of Satanists or something? You think it's funny to pretend to be those creeps!" Yazoo calmly flicked his hand outward, summoning several shadow raptors.

"What about you?" Kadaj retorted. "You're alive, aren't you?"

"Hm, yes. Well… I'd almost rather not be." Yazoo shuddered.

"Well, whatever it is, Loz and I are back for some paradox like reason."

"Paradox!" Loz began. "**1**: a tenet contrary to received opinion, **2 a**: a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true **b**: a self-contradictory statement that at first seems true **c**: an argument that apparently derives self-contradictory conclusions by valid deduction from acceptable premises, **3**: one (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases"

Yazoo and Kadaj stared at the usually slow man, agape. Kadaj slowly approached Loz, resting his wrist on the other man's forehead.

"Are you sick?" he asked.

"What?" Loz looked around, confused. "I was just reading from my pocket dictionary!" he beamed.

"Your what?" Kadaj replied dryly.

"Oh… that." Yazoo replied slowly.

"Oh that what?" Kadaj snapped. He hated not being in on things.

"I was sick of him asking me what every little word was, so I got him a pocket dictionary." Yazoo replied nervously. Kadaj may be the youngest of the group, but he was the most skilled as well. Kadaj held the tiny book in his hands.

"Wait Kadaj!" Loz whined. "I need to look up 'every', 'pocket', and 'dictionary'!"

"THIS is a dictionary, you moron!" Kadaj growled, throwing the miniature book at his 'brother'.

Suddenly, a loud, commanding voice bellowed out, "That is NOT ac'ceptable!" The three silver haired men turned to stare at what would become their worst nightmare – well, with the exception of Loz, of course.

"Pick up your brother's book and give it back, right now or you have to sit in the naughty stool!" Snapped a British woman with brown hair pulled out of her face. Strict eyes gleamed with power behind oval-shaped glasses, and she was dressed in a cranberry-red business suit with a skirt, and holding a black umbrella.

Kadaj looked up hopefully to the woman, "The _naughty _stool?"  
"Yes! The naughty stool! You will have to sit there for three minutes at a time, one for each year of age, until you apologize to your brother." Commanded the woman sternly.

"Why the fuck should I?" Kadaj sneered, pointing Shouba to her throat, "I don't have to listen to any shit you give me, bitch."

"**_THAT IS NOT AC'EPTABLE_**."

Her booming voice shook the very souls in which their bodies were located. Causing the three to cower in fear as the super nanny, wielding a massive bazooka on her right arm towered over them.

"**_YOU WILL SAY 'SORRY' AND GO SIT IN THE NAUGHTY STOOL FOR THREE MINUTES-_**"

She pointed the bazooka right at them.

"**_OR BURN IN HELL_**."

.. "Yes… Miss Super Nanny, ma'am." Kadaj whimpered, "I'm sorry, Loz… Where's the stool?"

"At the house. Of course." Super nanny replied, composing herself to her normal form.

"What house?" Kadaj muttered, "We don't live in a house. Accept for Yazoo. But he lives in a dark, scary room.

"DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK THEREEEEEE! YOUUU CAN'T MAKE MEEEEEE!" Yazoo howled in despair.

"**_YELLING IS NOT AC'EPTABLE_**."

"Meep." Yazoo cowered in fear, "Yes Miss Super Nanny, Ma'am."

"Now come along, let's get back to the house." Super Nanny commanded as the three quietly followed her, quivering in fear.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx **

"Hey everyone! The Great Ninja Yuffie's In The House V!"

"Yuffie, will you please remember to _knock_?" Cloud asked as Tifa slipped out from under him.

"Maybe you shouldn't be sucking face for all hours of the day!" Yuffie beamed as she went over to the TV to plug in her Play Station 2.

"What are you doing?" Tifa inquired, blinking slowly.

"I'm playing my new DDR: Materia Mix! V" Beamed Yuffie as she dragged a metal DDR pad out from behind the TV.

"Why is that thing at our house?" Cloud asked, his hand slowly slipping into Tifa's shirt.

"I put it here " Yuffie grinned, a little _too_ wide, as Tifa slapped Cloud's hand away.

"When?" Cloud asked slowly.

"A little earlier today… DADDY!" DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Yuffie pointed an accusing finger towards him.

"GAK!" Cloud and Tifa jumped as Yuffie paraded around the room, hopping and squealing like a little girl.

"HA _HA_! So you admit it! Oh Vincent's goanna _loooooove_ this one…" Yuffie smiled.

"NO!" Cloud and Tifa yelled in unison.

"No, what?" Yuffie grinned.

"You can't tell _anyone_!" Tifa shook her head, her eyes wide with fear.

"Especially not Vincent!" Cloud yelled.

"Oh, and why shouldn't I?" Yuffie grinned, turning on her PS2.

"Because… because... um… er…" Cloud grumbled.

"Because we'll let you stay here!" Tifa shouted.

"Oo WHAT!" Cloud yelled, shocked as Yuffie began to look ecstatic.

" _Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy_, Tifa? You'd _reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely_ let me stay here and help take care of the baby!" Yuffie grinned.

"She didn't say anything about-"

"Yes!" Tifa nodded, "We'll let you stay here up until the baby is born and a couple weeks afterwards."

"Wow!" Yuffie's eyes developed shiny sparkles, "I've always wanted a little niece or nephew. So when's the baby due?"

"We don't know! We just found out earlier today." Cloud shrugged.

"So when's Tifa goanna get all fat and whiney?" Yuffie crossed the room and sat on Cloud's lap, "Because when that happens… you'll need a new mistress."

A train of drool came from the side of Cloud's mouth.

"NO WAY!" Tifa cried, pushing Yuffie off of her boyfriend's lap, "If you think I'll let that happen, you can just go live in the gutter."

"I was only joking." Yuffie huffed, going to the DDR pad to pick out a song. She chose "One Winged Angel: Speed & Advent" before angrily stomping on the arrows, a pouty look on her face.

"Where did you get that thing from anyways?" Cloud asked, rubbing the red mark on his face, courtesy of Tifa.

"Places." Yuffie huffed, pouncing on the left arrow.

"What kind of places? You didn't steal it, I hope?" Cloud persisted.

"Uh… damnit, Cloud! You made me screw up!" Yuffie growled at the screen. "Hup!" she exclaimed, jumping on the 'accept' button as the song "Real Emotion; A.E.O.N. Mix" began to play. "So!" Yuffie panted. "What can I do to help you guys with the baby?"

"We need to prepare for the baby first!" Tifa said. "But not before Cloud and I get married, so I guess we have to plan for the wedding first."

"Cloud proposed!" Yuffie turned to face the couple in surprise.

"Well, erm, not-" Cloud mumbled in embarrassment.

"HA! I knew it! Cloud's to chicken to propose! Heh heh!" The TV booed at Yuffie's turned back. "Damnit!" she screeched, starting the song over. "I can't wait to see what type of father _you'll_ be!" Yuffie snorted.

"Tifa's pregnant?" said a deep, smooth voice from the corner of the room.

"Well of course she's- AH!" Cloud cut-off mid sentence. "Vincent! When did you get here!" As Vincent stood up from his slouched position against the wall, his deep velvety red cloak fanned about him, and his golden arm glinted in the light of the lamp. For once, his crimson eyes held a touch of amusement, and it appeared he was suppressing a smile.

"A while back." He replied. "Around 'what can I do to help you guys with the baby'."

"Wha-!" Vincent chuckled at his friend's display of emotion. He approached Cloud, slowly backing him into a wall.

"Not married yet, hm?" he smirked. "Love child? Sound familiar? Hmmm?"

"No!" Cloud wailed. "Nononononono NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You weren't supposed to find out until AFTER the wedding!"

"Which would be when?" Vincent continued.

"Uh…."

"You're spiraling. You're life is going down a dark road and you can't turn back. Spiraling spiraling! You can never go back. You are gonna have a _love child_. _Loooooove_ child. There's nothing you can-" Vincent stopped his teasing for a minute. If he were in anime form, he would have sweat dropped. As his teasing went on Cloud backed himself farther and farther away, shaking his head in denial.

All until, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" And Cloud turned around and bashed head-on into the wall, knocking himself out.

"-do." Vincent finished, blinking down at the stunned towhead.

"Vincent!" Tifa scolded. "You're fixing that!" she commanded, pointing at the large crater-like Cloud-shaped hole in the wall.

"Erm…" Vincent began, trying to escape the 'Wrath of Tifa'.

"And you aren't getting out of it eith- YUFFIE!" Tifa cut of, turning sharply to the bouncy girl who was busy attempting to kill the TV.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I STINK!" she yelled angrily.

"Yuffie-chan! No killing the TV!" Tifa scolded, trying to pry the girl from the abused screen. In the meanwhile, Vincent slowly sidestepped his way to the open window. Smirking, he 'became one with his cloak' or some weird shit like that, and floated out the window. And then it came.

"Hey look, Kadaj! A floating red cape of magical doom!" a deep voice said. Then a loud 'WHUP!' that sounded like the speaker just got hit upside the head.

"THAT IS NOT AC'EPTABLE!" a female voice yelled.

"They're here." Tifa breathed as Yuffie disentangled herself from the TV.

"You don't mean…?" Yuffie whispered.

"Yes." Tifa nodded. The door burst open only moments later. It just so happened that this was the time when Cloud chose to regain consciousness. From his position on the floor he could make out a REALLY bright light and three dark people standing in the doorway, another red figure behind them. He frowned.

"Why is the world… upside down?" he asked no one in particular.

"Why hello there-" Kadaj grinned down wickedly at the unprotected form, withdrawing Shouba from it's sheath and pointing it in Cloud direction. "-_Brother_." He said the last part with every bit of malice and disgust as he could muster, the finished product being a chillingly creepy threat.

"THAT IS NOT AC'EPTABLE!" the red clad woman screamed into the young man's ear.

"Holy shit, woman!" Kadaj yelled, rubbing his sore ear. "Tryin' to make me go deaf!"

"NO YELLING! NO SWEARING! NO WEAPONS! NO THREATENING PEOPLE! NO TALKING BACK! You have one hour and 15 minutes to sit on the NAUGHTY STOOL!" the woman yelled.

"Hypocrite." Yazoo muttered.

"THAT"S 45 MINUTES FOR YOU!" Super Nanny screamed, pointing at Yazoo, who tried to find a retort that wouldn't earn him more time. So he just decided a lethal glare was enough.

"AND AS FOR YOU!" she roared, turning on Loz.

"Meep!" he squeaked.

"You've been a good lil boy! Have a cookie!" she beamed.

"YAY! Cookie!" Loz cheered. "Thank you Ms. Jojo!" he grinned, sitting down where he stood and nibbling on the edge of the cookie.

"Heeey." Kadaj said, staring at the dance pad and TV. "Wazzat?"

"This?" Yuffie asked, pointing at the DDR set. Kadaj nodded, not liking that she knew something he didn't, and having to ask about too. "This is Dance Dance Revolution: Materia MIX!" she said proudly.

"Materia?" Kadaj urged.

"No, that's just what it's called."

"Oh." Kadaj said, depressed. "What does it do?"

"It plays music, and you have to dance to it." Yuffie responded.

"That's dumb." Kadaj spat.

"It is not!" Yuffie retorted. Sniffing, she started another song – "1000 Words; Speed Re-mix" – and began to dance to the expert level song. She was very well aware of Kadaj's eyes on her back, and smiled to herself.

"That looks easy." Kadaj rolled his eyes.

"Oh ya?" Yuffie challenged. "Then why don't _you_ try?" she suggested, sweeping an arm out to the mat.

"Fine!" Kadaj spat back! "I will!"

"Go right ahead." Yuffie leapt off the pad, conveniently leaving it on "Heavy" mode. Kadaj stepped on and hit the circle button to his upper left as a horribly fast song began to play and arrows raced up the screen.

"GAH!" Kadaj attempted to follow the arrows as he saw them appear, only to find that that made the sound FX on the screen boo even louder, "What do I do? What do I do?" He asked nobody in particular as he flailed his arms around like a fish out of water. All the while Yuffie was rolling around the floor in hysterics and Cloud was confused as ever.

WHAM! Two metal gates shut in front of the TV screen with 'FAILED' written upon them in big, block, red letters.

"An E!" Kadaj screamed as the TV chorused, "There is always, a tomorrow!"

"How the f-" He glanced at super nanny, who was giving him the evol eye, "How in the world did I get an E?"

"I don't know… maybe because… you SUCK! You suck! You sucky sucky suck!" Yuffie sang, dancing around the room in pirouettes.

"Shut UP!" Kadaj screamed, pulling at his silver tresses.

"NOT-"

"AC'EPTABLE! WHATEVER!" Kadaj whined in defeat, "I'll be on the naughty stool."

"HA HA HA! ONCE AGAIN, THE GREAT NINJA YUFFIE- PREVAILS!" Yuffie declared triumphantly.

"We're ho-ome!" Denzel yelled, marching into the room, tossing his red backpack on the couch.

"As if it wasn't already bad enough." Tifa sighed.

"Hi Tifa! Hi Cloud! Hi Yuffie! Hi lady-I-don't know! Hi scary man that scares me! Hi other scary man that scares me! Hi Aunt Yazoo!" Marlene said, happiness shining in her eyes as she clasped a pink, plastic "My Little Pony" backpack to her front.

"Hi!" Loz smiled, waving back.

"Hi scary man! Do you want to do homework?" Marlene grinned, plopping down next to him.

"I don't have any homework." Loz shook his head.

"You can watch me do mine, then!" Beamed the younger girl, "Today we have to color this picture; but we have to find out what number to color by doing these multiplication problems."

"Sounds fun! Do you think I could help color?" Loz inquired, leaning foreword to look at the picture of two giraffes.

"Sure! You can color the brown parts!" Marlene nodded happily.

"WOW! Is that a real sword!" Denzel raced across the room to Kadaj, who was holding his Shouba protectively to his chest.

"Yes, but you can't see it." Kadaj huffed, still in a bad mood.

"**_SHARE YOUR TOYS_**."

"Here ya go." Kadaj all but threw the sword at Denzel.

"Wait! Wait! WAIT!" Tifa cried, waving around her arms, "Denzel! Put down the sword! Marlene, get away from Loz! Cloud- UGH! Just STOP!" Cloud pulled his hands away from Tifa's chest.

"What's up with her?" Kadaj grumbled.

"I am SICK and TIRED of all this- this SHIT, OKAY? Tifa screamed, "Just- UGH! Marlene and Denzel, go to your room!"

"Aww…" The two moaned, heading upstairs.

"Yuffie, GET THE HELL OUT. You can't blackmail up anymore!" Tifa pointed at Yuffie.

"Fine, then! I'll just have to embarrass you!" Yuffie snorted, "CLOUD KNOCKED UP TIFA!" She belted out of the house, screaming it as she ran through the streets.

Tifa's eye twitched as she turned to Super Nanny, "And YOU. GET OUT.

**_NOW_**."

Super Nanny "Meep"ed and ran out.

Kadaj then said, "I shall worship you." And began to bow at Tifa's feet.

"**_AS FOR YOU…_**"

Kadaj: And basically, this explains why we are now doing a video diary, straight from the gutters of Midgar, bleeding and writhing with pain. Oh, joy.

Yazoo: And this was only day one.

Loz: Yaaay! Cookie!

Kadaj: You know what? **Takes the cookie and eats it**

Loz: TT Cooooookie…

**End Day One**

**Next Time, On "Keep On Rockin' In Midgar"…**

**Tifa: Cloud, we need to start cleaning out the house! **

Cloud: Nightmares of doom plague me…

**  
Vincent: I feel like a hypocrite. **

**Yuffie: Love will do strange things to you… **


	2. Cloud's Spaz Attack The Drunken Vincent!

**Author's Note: **Kawaii-chan posting once more! This is where things get... (ahem) interesting. I had to stop Junsui-chan from writing a lemon after I was finished with my lime. And yes, for those of you who read my personal works, that lime was taken from my story "Hold Me" and changed around a bit... showing how completely and utterly lazy I am... meh. (Falls asleep as desk)

Keep On Rockin' In Midgar

Day 2:

Cloud's Spaz Attack And The Drunken Vincent!

**Cloud**: What is my life coming to! TT

**Vincent**: Your life is spinning out of control, you have nowhere to go!

**Cloud**: My life is over

**Vincent**: Oh, yes it is.

**Cloud**: Everything sucks. I'm falling down a bottomless pit that expands forever and all eternity.

**Vincent** (Milking it for all its worth): Yep, that's right.

**Kadaj: **TTHEY! I thought this story was about ME!

**Super Nanny:** STEALING THE SPOTLIGHT IS NOT AC'EPTABLE!

**Kadaj: **HEY! You were the guest star _yesterday_! But… that means… Oo

**Kawaii: **Don't worry Kada-chuu, no guest stars today, this chapter is about Cloud, Tifa, Vincent and Yuffie.

**Kadaj: **Thank gawd.

**Junsui:** The next chapter has a guest star, even worst than the first!

**Kadaj: **_NOOOOOOOOO!_

**What happens when Advent Children characters stop being so nice… **

**Yazoo: Hits Reno **

**Vincent: Makes out with Yuffie**

**And start living in the real world?**

**Kadaj: Twitches **

**This is a story-**

**Yuffie: Kills DDR Pad**

**Marlene: Kills teddy bear **

**Of Parenthood**

**Cloud: Passes Out**

**Tifa: Pokes Cloud **

**Love**

**Loz: Hugs A Telephone Pole **

**And Most Important… Chicken**

**Everyone: Eats a happy chicken dinner **

Cloud pushed open the door to the small house he and Tifa lived in. As he walked in, miles upon miles of toys were struned over the floor. There was baby food splattered over the wall and empty happy meal boxes were thrown about. Cloud screamed as he saw what appeared to be the corpse of a doll with roaches coming out of its eyes.

"T-tifa?" He cried.

"WHAT CLOUD?" Tifa screamed, Cloud flinched and whimpered, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I'm home?" It was more of a question.

"Oh _perfect_. You can sit on your lazy ass all day while _I_ take care of the kids, and the house, and Yuffie." She yelled back.

"T- wait. Kid_s_?" He inquired, "As in more than one!"

"Are you an idiot Cloud? We've been married for 25 years!" Tifa screamed, "And we have ten children!"

"DAHHHH!" Cloud screamed, pulling at his blonde hair, "Ten? TEN? But I'm only twenty-three! How can we be married for 25 years?"

"Papa, are you on crack?" A child that looked disturbingly like Yuffie inquired.

"GAH! And what are you!" Cloud jumped.

"I'm Cloufie! Your illegitimate daughter with your mistress, Yuffie!" She explained cheerfully.

"What!" Cloud fell over backwards into the piles of toys as the front door burst open.

"Cloudie!" Squealed a familiar voice as Reno skipped in, dressed in a purple t-shirt and matching pants, behind him was Yazoo, in a pink sundress, fawning over their twenty-three neon-pink-haired children.

"MY EYES! THEY BURN!" Cloud screamed, beginning to writhe on the floor.

"Papa, what's wrong?" Asked a little girl that looked like Aeries.

"AND WHO ARE YOU?" He screamed.

"I'm your second illegitimate child, Aroud!" She beamed.

"With Aeries! But she's dead!" Cloud yelled loudly.

"No I'm not!" A disembodied voice cried.

"Wait- how many illegitimate children do I have!" Cloud asked.

"Three!" Cloufie and Aroud beamed.

"And who's the third!" Cloud enquired as the door burst open.

"Hi all!" Vincent beamed, "I'm here to see my granddaughter Cloudieroth!"

"**_NOOOOOOOOO!_**" Cloud screamed, and woke up in a cold sweat. He looked around the room; he jumped out of bed and sprinted into the sitting room.

"TIIIIIIIIFAAAA!" Cloud screamed, seizing his beau by the shoulders, "We don't have ten kids, right!"  
"Huh? We're not even married yet, Cloud…" She blinked.

"Oh, right…" He took a deep breath.

"What's the matter Cloud?" Yuffie inquired, popping up from behind the sofa.

"GAH!" Cloud yelled, "I don't have illegitimate child with you, Aeries, or Sephiroth, do I! **DO I!**"

"Um… do you need to sit down?" Yuffie inquired as Vincent walked in.

"AND YOUUUU!" Cloud pointed accusingly towards him, "You may NOT see your granddaughter!"

"What are you talking about?" Vincent blinked.

"GAHHHH! It was the most HORRIBLE dream EVER. Even worse than the one with the talking cheese and pink bunnies!" Cloud whimpered.

Blink. Blink.

"What's that with talking cheese and pink bunnies?" Yuffie inquired as Tifa cuddled Cloud.

"There, there, Cloud. Its okay. Nothing's going on. Nothing's going to get you…" She soothed.

"But… but…" Cloud stuttered, "But I saw Yazoo in a pink sundress with his and Reno's twenty-three children!"

"Now that's enough to make anybody scared." Vincent commented as he headed towards the kitchen, opened the fridge, and searched around for a soda and picked up the nearest can, "Jazz Diet Pepsi Strawberries and Cream? Sounds good."

"CAN I MAKE BABY FOOOOOD!" Yuffie howled.

"What the hell?" Cloud and Tifa yelled, slamming their hands over their ears.

"I want to use the food processor to make food for the baby!" Yuffie squealed as she pirouetted around the room.

"Yuffie, the baby's not born yet." Tifa replied, "It won't be born for another eight months, at least."

"Oh." Yuffie stopped spinning, a sad look on her face, "Maybe we could freeze it. And it won't be that long, right? You already look pretty fat-"

**Yuffie:** And my butt _still_ hurts TT

Yuffie landed in the street outside of the house. Having been kicked very hard in the ass, she probably wouldn't be moving for a while.

Tifa dusted off her hands; a triumphant smile on her face. Cloud blinked at her, slightly scared.

"Ya know." Tifa began. "We're gonna have to clear out our place after we get married."

"What do you mean?" Cloud asked, looking around at all the flaming piles of shit.

"Like all your porn mags everywhere! You know what happened last time Denzel found one of those." Tifa scolded, glaring at the naked sluts on the covers.

"Oh… yeah…" Cloud grinned sheepishly. Denzel and his friends were all sitting in a circle with about 20 different magazines in the center. Cloud opened the door to this site, eyeing over the centerfolds in particular.

"Hey Cloud!" Denzel beamed. "Which one do _you_ like best?" Cloud looked around.

"Hmmm… THAT one!" he said pointing to a girl with boobs that would put Tifa to shame.

"CLOUD!" Tifa exclaimed, giving Cloud the biggest lump on the back of his head that he had had in his entire life.

"That hurt, ya know." Cloud whined, breaking out of his memories.

"Good!" Tifa approved. "Now come with me." Cloud followed her as she went from room to room. "When we get married, I want us to have the house to _ourselves_."

"Why?" Cloud asked, earning him an exasperated look from Tifa. She shook her head.

"The house is small enough without EVERYONE living in it with us!" She moved to the first room, peering inside with Cloud over her shoulder. In room number 1 was Cid, making his 52nd paper airplane.

"Hey, since when was Cid in this story?" Cloud inquired.

"Since now." Tifa answered shortly, moving on the room number two. In this room was Yuffie, whom had just recently climbed through the open window. "Oh no you don't!" Tifa yelled, once again kicking the ninja out of the house. "Now on to room number three!" Tifa said cheerily. In this room they found Loz, who was watching football… and cheering for the ball.

"Uh…" Cloud began. "Loz, you're supposed to cheer for a _team_, not the ball."

"Go ball!" Loz yelled. "Go, go, go! Be FREEEEEEEE!"

"You have to pay to stay in this room you know! Lodging isn't free!" Tifa scolded.

"Well if _I_ had a cookie, everything would be free!" Loz sang.

"Wha…" Tifa and Cloud exchanged weird looks.

"Oh look! A rhinocecerous!" Loz screamed, jumping on the curtains.

"Okaaaay." Tifa said, pulling Cloud to the next room. This one had Kadaj and Yazoo, looking at-

"Hey! Those are MINE!" Cloud whined, snatching the magazines from the two silver haired men. "Hey! Aren't you gay!"

"NO!" Yazoo yelled. "Reno made me, I SWEAR!"

"Oh… okay!" Cloud beamed. And in the last room was… _We now return to Dr. Phil!_ "Vincent?" Vincent looked up from his pile of tissues.

"It's just so touching!" Vincent sobbed.

"Vincent… you're on crack!" Cloud blinked. "You're on freaking CRACK! CRACK IS BAAAAAADDD!" Cloud yelled as Tifa pulled him out of Vincent's room by the collar.

"I'm not on crack!" Vincent sobbed as Cloud handed him a porn mag, "Some day, I'm going to call Dr. Phil himself so he can come here tooooo…" Vincent trailed off, a streak of blood spurting from his nose as began to study the mag.

"Okay. So, that's all the hotel-ish rooms." Cloud sighed as they started up the stairs, "So there's Marlene and Denzel's room and our room up here…"

"We have to get rid of them."

"So if we put Denzel on the roof and-" Cloud stopped and blinked, "_What_?"

"Barrette will be coming to pick Marlene up in a couple of days, so that takes care of that." Tifa mused, rubbing her chin, "And we can make him bring Denzel with them."

"But that's not nice." Cloud frowned, his forehead wrinkling.

"Too bad, so sad." Tifa sighed, "We need the room."

Cloud glanced into the room that the (what now was) brother and sister shared. Innocent scribbles were tacked to the wall; plushies sat piled three feet high on Marlene's bed, a magazine of anime girls in bikinis was thrown over Denzel's pillow. Cloud blinked, and the room was transformed.

A small, pink bassinette sat in the corner of the room. The walls were painted pink and there was a light-wooded double bed pressed against the wall. Cloud observed pink teddy bears, pink rattles, pink teething rings, and other pink, baby-girlish things. Tifa, dressed modestly in a white men's dress shirt and some jeans, looked up from the pink bassinette, smiling lightly at Cloud, who timidly walked over.

"Isn't she beautiful?" The happy mother fawned gently. Cloud peeked over her shoulder to stare at the hard, green-blue eyes of a silver-haired child dressed in leather footie pajamas and holding a rattle shaped like a long katana, she smiled maliciously at him and drew a tiny, chubby finger across her throat.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!" Cloud screamed, backing up, running into a wall as he was forced back into reality. Tifa looked to him, raising an eyebrow.

"Cloud?" She said slowly.

"Hubba- jibba- PINK- baby- Sephiroth- YOU- crib- leather- hibba- GAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ker-thump. Cloud fell down on his side, twitching rapidly.

"You need to stop drinking all that red bull." Tifa assessed, "It's making you schizophrenic."

"Its not the red bull!" Cloud wailed, "Its _yooooooooooou_!"

Twitch. "What. About. Me?" Tifa growled through gritted teeth.

Cloud "Meep"ed at her scary-ness and curled up into a little ball. Not before long, a thick barrier of salt water formed in front of his eyes. Cloud sniffed, trying not to blink so that the tears wouldn't fall and stood up, running out of the room, soft, warm tears streaking down his round face.

"Cloud!" Tifa cried as he raced away. "What is the matter with you?" She whispered as she leaned against the doorframe.

"Find a happy place… find a happy place… find a happy place…" Cloud whimpered as he rocked back and forth. Sitting at the edge of the large pond in Aeries' church, surrounded by flowers, Cloud was indeed in a happy place… physically. As long as things and people he knew and loved surrounded him, Cloud was always in a happy place… but right now, he was mentally NOT in a happy place, this was like… SO friggen unhappy, that if I even began to describe it, you probably would've shit twice and died.

Cloud whimpered, drawing his knees to his face… "Okay." He said to himself, "Try to keep yourself occupied, Cloud…" Cloud looked around and finally, his eyes came to rest on something, "Knees… spelled with a 'K' I've always wondered why knees are spelled with a 'k'… without the 'k' its just 'Nees' with an 'N' and that's weird…. Hmmm…. Nees…. Neeeeeeeees…. NeeEEeeEeeeeEEEEeeeeEs. Why so we call them 'Nees' anyway, that's so weird… I wonder what would happen if we called bologna "Nees" and nees, "Bologna"… would that be normal? Would we ever ponder that? What would happen if fingers were called Hotdogs and feet were called hamburgers? Would that be considered normal?

… Okay, now, that wasn't necessarily a happy place… that just hurt Cloud's brain.

"Hey."

"GAH!" Cloud jumped as Vincent plopped down beside him and handed him a beer. Cloud looked as it and shoved it in his mouth, falling backwards as he chugged it.

"Are you scared?" Vincent inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"YEEEEES!" Cloud wailed as the alcohol kicked in (Lord knows how fast that shit works).

"You should be." Vincent grinned, "Cause you're on Scare Tactics!"

"Really?" Cloud beamed happily, sitting up.

"No." Vincent smiled wider, Cloud fell back down, "But you don't know how long I've wanted to say that."

"Ah, Meanie." Cloud whined, "I'm skwood."

"Yeeeeep." Big smile and emphasis on the P.

"I'll never get to have fun again…" Cloud continued.

"Thaaaaaat's right." . Sparkly squee smiles.

"And worst of all, Tifa's having the second Sephiroth!" TT

"Yes, that-" Vincent blinked twice, "_What_? What're you on, man?"  
Cloud raised the empty beer bottle to Vincent's nose, "Oh." Vincent shook his ebony tresses, "But, Tifa's smart, she just wouldn't go out and… with Sephiroth?"

"**_YOOOOOOOOOU!_**"

"Meep." Said Vincent, cowering with fear, "W-what about me?" He chucked nervously with a small smile.

"You scrrwwood TEEEfa, DiDn"T TWO!" Cloud staggered around, waving the beer bottle to and fro.

"The fuck, man?" Vincent asked.

"yEsssS yOO aRe!" Cloud sobbed, hopelessly drunk.

"You had, like one beer! No more alcohol for you!" Vincent shook his head.

"gOOO gEt M3H aNuZzAh beER FUKKaH!1!eleventyone!" Cloud fell down in the flowers with spinny eyes.

"No. No more beer." Vincent said, "And I would not… with Tifa. Why would you think that? Why would you think she would cheat on you?"

"yOO sUAid sHiiii wUahz SmARtE!"

"… And?"

"WIIn wHuz t3H LaSt TiMe YoooOooOooOOOOOo SawE TEEEEEfa nAWt dUhB?"

Vincent blinked as everything went all squiggly. He was beginning to think Cloud was so drunk that it was beginning to infect him, but then he realized that it was just a flashback.

"Hey Tifa!" Cloud yelling walking into the TV room wearing nothing but a bath tower LOW around his hips, "We ran out of HOT water and I'm all WET and I'm HALF-NAKED. Would you come…" Coughcough, "Heat the water up for me?"

"Shut up Cloud." Tifa said, "I'm watching _The Price Is Right_. "

"But, Tifa…" Cloud protested.

"THAT CHINA SET IS SO NOT WORTH FIFTY GRAND!" Tifa jeered at the television, "The fuck are you, fricking POOR? That is not worth more than 10,000 gil!"

"Is it… 15,000 gil?" Asked the chick on the TV.

"Lower, Sadie." Said the host.

"Is it… 16,000 gil?" Asked the chick.

"Lower, Sadie, that means down." The host sighed.

"Is it… ONE… MILLION… GIL?" Asked the chick.

"Lower, you idiot." Spat the host.

"Is it… 15,000 gil?" The chick asked.

"I'm sorry, Sadie. The correct answer was 10,000 gil. Better luck next time… oops, I'm sorry. There won't BE a next time. Cause you LOOOOOSE!"

"Ha HA!" Tifa laughed, clapping once, "I was RIGHT! I WIN!"

"No you don't." Cloud sobbed, another expensive condom wasted.

"SHEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!" Thump. Cloud fell over, sobbing hysterically as he popped a chaser plus in his mouth, "I'm better."

"Okay…" Vincent blinked, "Did that like… suck up all the alcohol?"

"No." Cloud sobbed, "When I drink, I get depressed, but chaser plus makes me happy because all the vitamins in it. But I'm STILL worried… and depressed…"

"Cloud." Vincent sighed, coking his head to one side, "I was locked in a coffin for thirty-some odd years. I think that **_I_** should be the depressed one."

Whimper.

"Cloud. Tell me what's wrong." Vincent sighed.

"I don't knoooooooooooooow." Cloud whined, "Its all this weird shit happening to me! Like the dreams…"

"Well, in case you didn't know… I think that's pretty normal…" Vincent found himself blinking again.

"No, these are WEIRD dreams."

Vincent inched away, "What kind of weird?"

"I had a dream about Tifa… we had ten kids… and I had three illegitimate daughters like… Cloufie… Aroud… and Cloudieroth…" Cloud explained, twitching at the later.

"Wait… how-?" Vincent sighed, shaking his head, "I'm not even goanna ask. Are you just nervous?"

"I don't know." Cloud continued to whine… and when a guy whines, its pretty annoying, just like when my sister's boyfriend whines… its like "A huoo a huoo a huoo…" and it just make you want to go and smack them and say-

"QUIT BEING SUCH A PANSY!" Vincent yelled into Cloud's face, "You are a MAN, Cloud! You are NOT a PANSY!"

"But…"

"NO! NO PANSY!" Vincent yelled, "MAN, CLOUD! THINK! WHAT WOULD A MAN DO?"

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!  
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot,  
Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!  
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot,  
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me…" Vincent and Cloud stumbled into the bar, their noses tinted with pink and each holding a near-empty bottle of rum.

"Who you callin' a hoe?" Yuffie asked as the two smiled stupidly and waved their bottles of rum at her before each throwing an arm around her.

"Yaaaaaay! Woo-hoo!" Vincent grinned, "Goooooofie-Yuuuuufie!"

"Heheheheheh… that rhymes…" Cloud laughed.

"What-?" Yuffie blinked, "I'm supposed to be the weird one!"

"Yuuuufie!" Cloud grinned, "Yuffie's in da how-WOOSE!"

"YEA-YUH!" Vincent grinned, "SIXTEEN BOT'LES OF RUMMMM!"

"You two did NOT drink sixteen bottles of rum, did you?" Tifa asked as she came down from upstairs, her eyes bulging out of her head.

"Maaaaaybeeee." The two caught Yuffie again and contined to skip around the bar, singing their pirate song… so much for men.

"Heeeeey… Teeeef…." Cloud grinned stupidly, "Let's go upstairs and dry rut!"

"Cloud, you're drunk." Tifa sighed, agitated, as Vincent screamed something about flowers. She sighed and took the rum away from them.

"The rum!" Cloud and Vincent looked at their hands, "Why is the rum gone!"

"Because I took it from you, you idiots!" Tifa snapped.

"But why is the rum gone?" The two asked.

"Oh its terrible, isn't it, just terrible, Cloud!" Tifa rolled her eyes.

"WELL IT BLOODY WELL IS NOW!" Cloud screamed as he staggered around, Vincent in tears.

End flash foreword.

"Men drink rum, Vincent. Men drink rum."

"Waaaaah…" Wined the crimson-cloaked man, stumbling over onto Yuffie.

"HEY! HEY!" Yuffie cried, staggering under his weight, "Go fall on the couch or something! Not meeeee!"

"Heh heh…" Vincent grinned, leaning backwards as Yuffie caught him just as he was about to fall.

"Why did you choose me?" She growled. Vincent rested his head on her shoulder in a puppy-like manner.

"Your preeeeety…" He smiled as Yuffie turned the color of a beet.

And everyone was like: O.o WTF!

Vincent buried his pale face in Yuffie's short tresses, "You smell nice."

"COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!" Cloud yelled as he staggered around.

"Are you ON something, OTHER than rum?" Yuffie asked as Vincent leaned on her too much and knocked her over.

"I loooooove yoooou Yuuuuufieeeeee…." He smiled like a lovesick puppy.

"Oh crap." Yuffie attempted to struggle out from under him, but Vincent had already snuggled up on top of her with this cute little smile on his face. And just letting all that dead weight fall when she got out from under him and letting that poor little puppy get hurt would just be sooooo mean.

"Let's get married." Vincent grinned. Yuffie twitched.

"WHA- WHA- WHAT!" She squawked like Kyle's mom.

"I've always liked you, Yuffie. I've just been too shy to say anything." Vincent rested his head on her shoulder, "I was so sad after my girlfriend died… I used to call her Polka-dot, didja know that?"

Yuffie twitched again.

"But you made me happy when I saw you. You were like a shining sun on my dark, heartless night that was the abyss of my heart…"

"Wow…" Cloud whispered, a weird, far-off look still in his eyes, "Nawt only ish he in luv with… with… Yuf…her… he's a good po… poem… poem-person… also…"

"I always looked at you when I missed Polka-dot or I was angry at Sephi-ross and it make me feel like there was hope." He closed his amber eyes and cuddled up to her even closer, "Will you marry me, Yuffie?"

At this time, Yuffie didn't even look disturbed… in fact… she looked shocked. She took in a deep breath, "Vincent… Vincent, you're drunk. Don't say these kinds of things!"

"But I love you, Yuffie!" he whimpered, inhaling the scent of her hair, "I loves joo more than anything! Will you marry me?"

Vincent looked at her with those, deprived puppy-dog eyes seeking some sort of refuge from a storm he'd been caught in for the near-entirety of his life. Yuffie felt as if she was the person who the dog had followed home from work and was standing on the porch in the rain, with those cute little eyes begging her to let their owner in.

"Yes… I'll marry you, Vincent." She whispered.

"YUFFIE!" Cried Tifa, "Yuffie! He's _drunk_! And marriage is a life-long commitment! Yuffie, he's just saying things!"

"No…" Whispered the girl as Vincent smiled in his sleep, "No, he's not just saying things. He loves me." She embraced him tightly, "I can tell… and…"

"RAVIOLI!" Cloud screamed. Way to go, Cloud. Ruining such a serious moment, probably the ONLY one in the story.

"I love him, too." Yuffie blushed as Vincent put his arms around her.

**Vincent: **When I woke up in the morning, I didn't have a hangover… I don't know why. I have zero alcohol tolerance, yet I never get hangovers… but what I did have is the worst feeling that I had admitted my true, innermost feelings to Yuffie… perfect. Just freaking perfect.

"Yummy Vincent…" Yuffie grumbled in her sleep.

"Guhhhh…?" Vincent awoke to the most beautiful view of the ceiling… in the bar… which meant he had slept on the floor… in the bar… which meant he had gotten drunk… in the bar. "What time is it…?" Vincent looked around in a stupor. Even though he didn't have a hangover, he was still discombobulated. "How much rum did I have last night?"

"Sixteen bottles." Tifa said from somewhere distant, "Or at least that's what you said, right before…" tried to stand up… and he had rolled over in his sleep, causing himself to be weighed down by something. It was only then that Vincent noticed.

"HOW MANY BOTTLES OF RUM DID YOU SAY I HAD LAST NIGHT!" Vincent yelled as softly as possible, as to not wake Yuffie.

"No no no no no…" Tifa said quickly, "_That_ didn't happen, Vincent. I promise…"

"Then why the hells is Yuffie laying on top of me?" He inquired.

"Well, originally, you were on top." Tifa said quietly, and then quickly regretted her choice of words.

"WHAT!" Vincent screamed, standing up, and knocking over Yuffie in the process.

"I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" Tifa screamed, bright red.

"THEN WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!" Vincent yelled, nearly pulling out his ebony tresses.

"WellyoukindapouredallyourinnerthoughtsandfeelingsofloveouttoYuffieandyoukindafellasleeponherandwedidn'twanttowakeyoubecauseyoutwolookedsocuuuuute!" Vincent was running around the room like a psychopath, Yuffie still curled up, asleep, on the ground.

"Hey Vincent…" Cloud shuffled down the stairs, holding his head, "Boy… do I have a bad hangover… so… when's the wedding?"

"**_WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT_**?" Vincent was on his knees as Cloud smiled smugly.

"You life is spiraling… spirlaling… you got druuuuuuuuunk… you confessed your love to Yuuuuuuufie… you prooooooopooooooossssssed…" Vincent was sobbing at the second cruel, ironic, twist of fate in his life.

"HahaHA!" Cloud grinned, clutching his forehead. "In yo face!" Vincent shot him a look that screamed "bloody murder". Cloud continued, "How's that for irony, beotch!"

"I'm giving you ten seconds to run, Cloud." Vincent said blankly, still on his knees… in the bar. Cloud blinked at him and laughed, his confidence slowly draining from him. "Ten… nine…-"

"Haha! As if you COULD run!"

"-eight… seven…-"

"You drunk just as much as I did, and you have even less of an alcohol tolerance then I do!"

"-six… five…-"

"You've got to have a hangover… right? Right! Vincent!"

"-four… three…-"

"Crap… I should start running now, huh?"

"-two… ONE!" with a roar, Vincent sprung to his feet and tore after Cloud, who was screaming like a pansy.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Cloud screamed, tripping over random objects; tomato ketchup, pickles, magazines, trashbags, tables, chairs, Barbies, his own feet, etc. "Wouldja clean up every now and then, Tifa!" he yelled, still running away from an angry Vincent.

"It's not like_, I_ am the one that makes the mess in the first place, _Cloud._" She huffed.

"I swear, the Barbie dolls were NOT me!"

"Swear on this!" Tifa grinned, pulling digital photos out of nowhere. Probably out of her shirt, but there's too big a chance they'd get smooshed in there. Tifa flicked the pictures out and let them land on the floor. In each one was a drunken Cloud playing house with Marlene's Barbie dolls. Vincent stopped his attack for a moment.

He looked at the picture in his hand to Cloud, then back again. He looked up evilly, stuffing the nearest pictures in his voluminous cloak.

"Blackmail!" he beamed wickedly, and just as he charged for Cloud, Yuffie latched onto his leg with her arms, still half-asleep.

"Hey, Vincent…" She said sleepily, "You know what they say about guys with really big feet?"

Vincent twitched. Cloud, who was still running, pointed and laughed; eventually running into a wall. Yuffie smiled.

This put Vincent in one of his weird Yuffie-and-Him-Married fantasies… and I don't mean the happily-ever-after kind.

Readers. You may now put your mind in the gutter. Okay! Gutter-time up!

Vincent stared down at her with a glazed over expression. "Y-yah?" he asked in a seductive fantasy-induced whisper. Tifa blinked in the stairway, before quickly running up the steps and slamming her door as loudly as possible. Yuffie smiled up at Vincent, her eyes open, but still asleep. Damn! Pretty convincing, ne?

Vincent then pounced on Yuffie, waking her up all the way, and began kissing her like it was his last day on Earth. "Mmmn?" Yuffie moaned lightly, eyes springing open as she became aware of her surroundings. Her skin tone reddened about ten shades darker, as she wrapped her arms around his neck, letting him pull her under him.

Somewhere in-between where their jaws began moving a mile-a-minute and Yuffie hit the wall, Vincent's tongue found its way into her mouth. It was as if they couldn't stop. Yuffie's head was reared back, due to Vincent coming so violently onto her. He had her hands pinned to the wall, one of his legs bent forewords, the other sticking out backwards, which he used to push himself constantly into Yuffie's face. And she wasn't complaining; her face moved left and right, making it more comfortable for him to kiss her in any way he wanted to.

And as quickly as it had started, it was over. Yuffie was sill pinned against the wall, breathing rapidly. Vincent's breathing was harsh too; he took a quick second to smile at her before Yuffie became impatient and leapt on top of him. She grasped his round face, pushing it against hers as Vincent eagerly kissed back, not missing a beat as his tongue glided over hers and traced the inside of her lips, slowly and gently; Yuffie took this chance to move her tongue under his, slowly drawing it back and repeating several times, as to beacon him in as Vincent's hands explored Yuffie's back, he gently eased to her lower back. When her refusal never came, he moved his hand south. Yuffie was moaning as he pulled her towards him, kneading the extra flesh as he did so. (Oh god, if I weren't fourteen, this would probably turn into a lemon… it might as well.) Suddenly, Yuffie broke away from him, and rolled to his side with a deep sigh, one of her arms spread-eagled over his chest.

"That. Was. Insane." She gasped. Vincent whimpered, not wanting to remove his hand.

"No, wait…" She smiled devilishly, "You don't have to."

"Really?" He smiled back.

"YAY!" Yuffie squealed, pulling him up. "Guess what, this isn't just a bar! It's a HOTEL, too!"

"Wh-what!" Vincent blinked.

SHOOM! He was already halfway up the stairs before he could blink. Yuffie smiled back at him.

"Wait."

Yuffie whimpered. But Vincent picked her up, "We need to take a trip to Rite-Aid."

"But, doesn't Cloud-?" Yuffie blinked.

"There's other stuff." And they were out of the front door before you could say:

"Wow, Vincent's responsible... and thoughtful."

"Can't we just honey!" Yuffie screamed as they front door hung open.

Slowly, the door to Tifa and Cloud's room creaked open as she cautiously walked down the stairs.

"Is it… okay now?" She whimpered.

Cloud was still on his back, staring at the ceiling, he put his hand out towards her, a notebook in it.

"Would you like some notes? I took a lot."

Tifa blinked, "Wh- where are they?"

"Rite-Aid." Cloud beamed, "I have taught him well."

"But don't you have some-?"

"They want MORE, Tifa. MORE."

"Ewwe, ewwe, ewwe, ewwe! DO NOT make me think about that!" Tifa hid her face as she pulled at her hair.

"I don't see why they just couldn't use honey… Vincent's not the only one I've gotten to."

Twitch. Twitch. "But… isn't he like, fifty!"

"Tifa. Its best not to think about that when you're in love." Cloud sighed, "And besides, he looks twenty-seven and it's a GOOD thing Yuffie got older."

"Yeah, 'cause then that'd make him a pedophile." Tifa sighed, shaking her head.

**Cloud:** That night, my weird fears stopped, with this… sickeningly cute dream that sounds like something a fourteen-year-old otaku that likes to watch mahou soujo and read fluffy fanfiction would write…

Cloud was wondering through Aeries' church, as if he were searching for something. A bright light hit his face and he shied away, putting a single hand in front of his face. Moments later, something soft and warm wrapped around his knees.

When the light was gone, Cloud looked down into the hazel eyes of a little girl, about four years old with dirty-blonde hair. She smiled with front teeth, which had a large, but still adorable, gap in them to him.

"Papa." She cooed softly. Cloud smiled warmly and knelt down in front of the child, wrapping his arms around her small frame.

When they broke apart, she caressed his face. "I love you so much, Papa."

"I love you, too." He smiled, giving her an Eskimo kiss with his nose. The girl giggled.

"Your silly, Papa." She grinned. And then screwed up her face and began to scream bloody murder.

Cloud awoke with a start, discombobulated as he looked to Tifa, next to him in bed, who sat with a disturbed look on her face. Cloud realized Yuffie screaming had woken him up from his fluffy-teenage-fangirl-like-written dream.

Yuffie was screaming like a crazy person… well, crazier then she was, "OH YES! OH GOD, YES! AHHHHHHHH!"

"Dear lord." Cloud twitched, "She's bringing her nickname of 'Banshee' to a whole new level."

"And meaning." Tifa sighed, shaking her head, "The walls are _padded_, Cloud. _With_ _soundproof foam_. And they're a level lower than us in the house.

Yuffie screamed: "KYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The door opened and Marlene ran in, jumping on top of Cloud, "Cloud! Cloud! Somebody's trying to kill Aunt Yuffie! But she must be drunk 'cause she's happy about it."

"Nobody's trying to kill her." Tifa sighed as Denzel walked into the room, a pillow wrapped around his head as Yuffie continued to screamed something about riding her hard, "She's in a happy place."

"Yeah under- mmph!" Cloud slammed a hand over Denzel's mouth.

"Under what, Tifa?" Marlene asked, curling up next to her.

O.o "Uhh… the blankets…."

"Why's she screaming, though?" Marlene asked.

"She's getting screwed." Denzel explained, Cloud clapped his hand over the eleven-year-old's mouth.

"Screwed?" The girl asked, not even fully aware of the meaning, accept it meant something bad, "By who?"

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TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" Yuffie screamed, her shrill voice nearly breaking the sound barrier as she obviously climaxed.

"Why's Uncle Vincent doing something bad to her?" Marlene inquired, looking horrified, "It sounds like she's in a lot of pain!"

"YES FASTER! FASTER! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! KYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAA!" Screamed the girl from one of the hotel rooms.

"She's playing DDR and Vincent's beating her." Cloud made up an excuse quickly.

"Oh…" Marlene nodded slowly, "I see… why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

"Ummm…" Cloud and Tifa said in unison.

"Well, we obviously won't be getting any sleep tonight…" Tifa sighed, "Who wants to go to the 24 Hour Super Midgarmart and ride the kiddy horse for the next-" She checked the clock, it was 2 AM, "Four hours?"

"Me." Said Cloud, jumping out of bed, "I want to get out of this Nuthouse as soon as possible."

"Welcome to Super Midgarmart. Have a nice day." Said a teen dully, her face buried in a magazine. Her hair was a long brown that was tied back in a braid. She wore purple and black – including heavy eyeshadow, tights, ribbons, and braclets.

"Now _that's_ an emo!" Cloud whispered over to Tifa, who was holding Denzel's and Marlene's hands. Tifa rolled her eyes in exasperation. Suddenly, a tumbleweed rolled down a random isle, and Marlene's eyes grew to the size of saucers… flying saucers.

"PREEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYY!" she screamed, breaking out of Tifa's hand and chasing after it. The other three just kind of stared at her for a moment, then moved on as if nothing happened.

Tifa pulled over to a shiny display of cooking utensils. "Cloud…" she began.

"NO! We do not need-" Cloud looked over to see what she was talking about. "- OOOOOOOOOHHH! A juicer! Yes, Tifa, we DO need one of those!"

"I was talking about the bottle opener." She said pointing to a silver one.

"Oh."

"Should we get a bot-"

"NO! We're getting a juicer and that's final!" Cloud insisted. Tifa beamed and picked up her shiny new juicer – after years and years of being around Cloud, she knew how to get what she wanted AND bother the hell out of him. Together, they walked down a few isles before noticing something.

"Uh… Tifa? Where's Denzel?" Cloud asked, looking around.

"Huh? I thought he was with you!"

"Nuh-uh. You we're holding his hand and then –"

"Then I tricked you into getting that juicer!" Tifa proclaimed.

"Huh?"

"Uh… nevermind. Anyway, we need to find him. Who knows where he might be!" So they departed and Cloud ran down one way, and Tifa the other.

Cloud turned and made a right, then a right, then a right, and then ANOTHER right, and everyone knows that four rights make a wrong, and Cloud ended up where he started. He looked around the store cautiously. Was it getting darker, or was it just him?

He looked to his right. There was toilet bowl cleaner, laundry detergent, soap, Febreeze, scented candles – those might be nice… but at this rate Vincent would probably steal them from him for his own "purposes" – paper towels, and Swifer dusters and vaccums. On the right was bath towels, hampers, soap dispensers, and towel rings. Along with a few ironing boards, shower curtains, and poles.

Cloud approached the poles with interest. He could use one of those…. Or rather, Tifa could. He looked at the red and trans-cal worker orange sticker that raed "curtain rod" on it. Rod or pole, it still seemed wrong. In any case, Cloud removed one from it's rack and clutched it firmly in his hands.

Why? 'Cause everyone knows that when your alone at two o'clock in the fucking morning (more literally in SOME peoples cases then others) in a Super Midgarmart, things can be… scary. Cloud considered the self-proposed weapon in his hands. If Cid could do it, he could, right? He stalked out of the isle and crept to the next, looking back and forth repeatedly before darting out to the isle across the way.

Suddenly, Cloud heard the beginnings of a whisper, enough to make the hair on the back of his neck stand up and WHACK! Cloud whirled around and thrusted the pole forward in an upward motion, instantly knocking out his attacker which happened to be- DUN DUN DUN! – an employee. Oops. Cloud backed away slowly, then turned heel and ran through the isles, pole over head.

"Cloud?" Cloud stopped in his tracks when he heard his name being called. He squinted, then turned on his next attacker, brandishing his pole in a slicing fashion. "Ummm… Cloud, are you okay?" Cloud frowned and looked down.

Marlene had never looked so disturbed in her life… so far! And in her hands was a slender pink box and a… tumbleweed? T.T Cloud blinked down at her in confusion, scratching the back of his neck with his pole-free hand.

"I'm, uh, fine. So how's life?" Cloud blurted out.

"……….. Good." Marlene answered after a while.

"Soooo! What's with the tumbleweed?"

LE GASP! Marlene clutched the tumbleweed tighter to her chest, shooting Cloud a dirty look. "You racist!" she yelled angrily.

"Marlene, do you even know what 'racist' means?" Cloud asked critically.

"Well…. No. But that's what papa Barrett calls white people." She nodded confidently. Cloud put his hand over his forehead.

"HIS name is Weedy!" Marlene continued, nodding towards the tumbleweed. "And he's my friend!"

"How do you know it's a guy tumbl- uh… thing?"

"_Because _he told me so, duh!" Marlene said as if Cloud was stupid or something.

"Riiight."

"Anyway! Weedy wants me to get THIS!" she exclaimed holding the pink box in front of her.

"Super duper uber whoretastic Barbie?" Cloud read the label in shock. His critical eye rushed over the mini woman wearing what was _almost_ a bikini bathing suit – complete with loungewear! Quickly, he wiped the Tifa-vision forming in his mind away, and snatched the box from Marlene.

"I don't think so!"

"But whhhyyyy?" Marlene whined.

"Marlene, do you know what a whore is?" Cloud asked.

"… No…" she admitted.

"Didn't think so." Cloud said with a small smile, clapping a hand on her shoulder and returning the box to its shelf.

"… but Denzel does…" The Barbie display stayed intact for about ten more seconds before the frozen blonde haired man was swimming in them as they crashed from the shelves.

"Denzel!" Tifa cried as she ran over to the boy. He was sitting in the magazine isle, "Sports Illustrated" in his hands. "Denzel!" she said again, sitting beside him as he snapped closed the magazine. "Oh, thank heavens!" Tifa sighed. "We were worried about you! What are you reading?" she asked, cocking her head to the side to read the title. "Sports Illustrated?" she gaze the boy a quizzical glance. "But Denzel, honey, you don't even _like _sports!" Suddenly, she frowned in suspicion and snatched the magazine from him.

She opened it to the center page and found inside… another magazine. "DENZEL!" she screeched, staring down aghast at the "Playboy Bunny of the Year". Denzel gulped, then got a devilish smile on his face. She glared up at him.

"What?" she growled.

"I'm going to get away with this." She said confidently.

"You're an average human boy, Denzel, NOT a Jedi!"

"Not THAT! THIS!" he exclaimed, pulling out another magazine. Tifa's eyes ate the cover. Denzel smiled. "I'm going to get away with this." He said again. Tifa glared at him.

"Yes, you are! Now GIMMIE!" she said, launching forward and snatching the magazine from his hands. She shot him an evil look.

"I won't tell, and I won't tell." He smirked, returning to his magazine. Tifa's mouth formed a thin line as she sat down a ways from him and quickly became absorbed in her "Playgirl" magazine.

**End Day Two **

**Next Time, On "Keep On Rockin' In Midgar"…**

**Cloud: And in the end, history is doomed to repeat itself. **

**Kadaj: When will we get our own place? **

**Yazoo: Must resist... killing... Loz... **


	3. Asane no Yume

**Author's Note: **Too lazy... to write... author's note... (Falls asleep) ... (Wakes Up) GAH! What time is it! Um... oh, shit. I slept at the desk again, didn't I? O.o Errr... anywho, last weirdo chapter before we get to the PLOT! YAAAAY! And guess what? JUNSUI-CHAN WROTE A LEMON IN **THE NEXT CHAPTER**! YAAAAAY! Sad thing is, she's thirteen, and its one of the more hardcore lemon's I've read O.o I'm a year older than her and I was too shy to even start, so I was like... "Um... metaphpor, metaphor, simile, metaphor... must... write... figureative... language... in order... to rid of shyness. Meh. I think I'll just stick to limes, humor, and fluff for now.

Keep On Rockin' In Midgar

Day 3:

Asane no Yume

It was Six AM and Yuffie was on her third cigarette. Yuffie needed one, BAD. The last time Yuffie had smoked was when she was offered a joint in the girl's bathroom in middle school. Instead, she'd stolen the whole bag of weed and hot-boxed the principal's office. When the principal had found Yuffie, she offered the elder woman a joint. They had then gotten higher then high together, singing "Puff The Magic Dragon" until they passed out and were found giggling, with the munchies seven hours later by a janitor.

"Heeeey maaaan…" Yuffie giggled, "Let's smoke some dooobies…"

"Cool maaan…" The principal laughed in reply.

Yuffie killed her cigarette in the ashtray and looked around the mess that was the hotel room. Boy, would Tifa be MAD.

The window Vincent had carried her in through was still open, Yuffie's shoes falling off of the ledge, flowing from there was were half-jacket, shirt, Vincent's clothes, with her belt and shorts laying on top in a huge pile. There was a small dent on the wall where he had slammed her up against and the nightstand was knocked out of the way, the lamp broken on the floor, as well as the clock, flashing "12:00" as it had been reset. They had then moved off of the bed, broken the other nightstand, and went on the floor for a while, dented the other wall, and then nearly forced the door off of its hinges, after that they'd used the bed, in fear of annihilating the room… and the bed itself was nearly in tatters. Now _that's_ when it'd gotten _fun_…

Yuffie grinned and lit another cigarette, wondering how the smell didn't wake up her smexy Vinnie. The raven-tressed man was hogging the covers, curled up away from her with the most damn cute expression on his face as he slept there like a little puppy…

'_If Vincent's a puppy, then I'm a kitten- a **sex**-kitten_.' Yuffie grinned and inhaled as much smoke as she could… damn it. It just didn't have the same affect as the frankenweed. She would need about fifty packs of this shit before she could calm down, or at least dull the pain so she could freaking walk. '_Crazy bastard… no wonder he knocked up that ugly bitch… she probably couldn't get enough of him._' The brunette giggled and spooned Vincent, resting her head against his, '_But now he's mine… too bad for her, cheating slut._' Yuffie frowned slightly, '_I can't help but feel bad for Vincent, though. He really did love her. She must've been a great person._' She closed her eyes, '_I also can't help but wonder why she was cheating on him… Vincent's **GOOD**, maybe she became sex-obsessed and was with every guy she saw… yeah… maybe that's it. But she's still a bitch… a bitchy bitchy bitchy bitch bitch, whoretastic bitch. And a meanie, doing that to MY Vinney-cakes…_'

Yuffie smiled down at her fiancé, caressing his face with her slender hand, planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. She pulled herself to the corner of the bed, trying to stand up. She wobbled, and propped herself up against the wall. She slipped on a violet bathrobe that hung loosely around her small form. Using this method, she came to the stairs and…. "God damnit!" Yuffie cursed her… What did she curse exactly? Not Vincent, never. Not herself, or her… part. Her legs? It didn't matter really. Yuffie glared at the wooden steps and jumped as something soft brushed against her bare leg. She looked down in surprise as she saw a sleepy kitten that looked like Red XIII.

Smiling, she tried to reach down to pet the kitten. WOAH! Okay, never mind. Appearantly Yuffie would be trapped upstairs for a friggen' week with Vincent… as if that was a bad thing. She whispered down to the kitten.

"Hey! Hey!"

"Mow?"

"Good kitty! Go fetch the paper!" Yuffie smiled enticingly.

"Mow." The cat ignored her and walked down the stairs, its rump bouncing as it made to each landing.

"Get back here!" Yuffie whispered loudly. "I'm not finished with you!" She grunted a sigh. "FINE!" she huffed. "_You_ go make the morning coffee, see what I care!" She needed more cigarettes. Slowly, she turned back and headed back for the room she and Vincent… claimed? Well, in a way they kind of _had_. After nearly collapsing five or twenty times, Yuffie stripped out of the bathrobe and crawled back up beside Vincent, who was still sound asleep.

Cigarettes forgotten, she smiled and looked down on his peaceful sleeping form. _Guess it takes more out of him than I thought_. She smirked. She spooned him, wrapping her arm around his waist, letting her hand drop dangerously low. She smiled to herself as she nuzzled the nape of his neck, his soft raven tresses tickling her face. Within seconds, she was asleep again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Ow. The light stings._ That was the first thing Vincent thought when he gained consciousness. He blinked open his eyes, and quickly shut them again, realizing the morning sun happened to beat straight through the open window. _Damn window._ He growled in his head, using an arm to prop himself up. He frowned. _Hey… this isn't my room… oh yeah…_ A smile graced his lips as he turned a loving gaze to the woman cuddled up behind him.

Ignoring the window, he rolled over and allowed her hand to brush against him, smirking as it did. Using his arm as a pillow, he used the other to pull her against his toned chest. She loved his chest. She couldn't seem to keep her hands off of it last night. Then again, he could hardly keep his hands of hers.

Burying his face in her hair, he thought back on all that had happened in the past few days. Funny how being drunk can seriously alter your life. Vincent figured that when he and Yuffie had kids of their own, he'd let them drink. Good things happen when you're drunk. Maybe he'd start by poisoning Denzel and Marlene's minds. Ya, that'd be fun. Not like those kids weren't screwed enough already.

"Mow." Vincent frowned. _The hell?_ "Mow." The sound came again. Vincent scanned the room for the possible source of the sound, finding nothing – well if you count dented walls, broken lamps, and busted nightstands nothing. "MOW." Yuffie stirred in her sleep, turning her head so it rested almost between Vincent and the mattress.

"**_MOW!_**"

_GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING CAT! _Vincent swore in his mind, careful not to wake Yuffie. He peered over her to the floor where a mini – Red XIII sat with the morning newspaper at its feet. The cat nudged the paper then looked back at Vincent, and as it turned to leave, Vincent swore it was smiling. He glared as it retreated through the barely open door and gingerly reached over his fiancé to pick up the news. Vincent scooched back against the headboard: sheets draped seductively around his hips, Yuffie's head pushed into his side, her arm hanging across his lap.

He grinned down at her and brushed the stray hair from her eyes before thumbing through the paper. For some reason, ever since he was living on his own, he would always flip to the obituaries first. He didn't really know why he did it; he just knew that he did. He felt better remembering that one of the first things his eighth grade teacher said to her class was that she read to obituaries first thing in the morning just like he did.

After this, he turned to the daily news page. He frowned as he read one head title. "Supposed Cat Murder in Area"? _Hoookay…_ He began to read the article. "Last night many citizens heard what appeared to be a cat screaming in pain. The words "bloody murder" and "bone chilling" were used in witness reports…" Vincent's face turned about ten shades of red as he realized whom the "cat murderer" was as he took out his earplugs from last night.

Suddenly, as Yuffie began to stir, Vincent chuckled at her and slipped his pale arms around her small frame, pulling her up close to him… he had an urge to protect her… she was special and she was his… his little screaming, murdered cat. As Yuffie awoke to Vincent pulling her close, she snuggled up into his chest and sighed. After this, none of the things the teacher in the health class she had been put into after hot boxing the principal's office mattered, or even made sense for that matter.

"Men are pigs!" The woman had screamed to the potential dropout and trouble-making girls, "Never have sex with men until you're married! No matter how nice he is to you, no matter how much you seem to be in 'love' the only thing that matters to him is his orgasm, and you're nothing but a tool! A vessel! He does not LOVE you! Men are PIGS! Incapable of love! They will never LOVE you, because after you get married, they will only know that that is the end of their fun and they're screwed for life and you will come to hate you and you'll get divorced and it will be that same cycle over and over again!"

It was more than obvious that the poor health teacher had had some bad experiences with men, and was taking it out on the poor, innocent, dope-heads that were the girls in the special health class for whores and dope-heads and girls with STDs. Stupid health. Why did they need to teach it to you anyway? It wasn't like Yuffie had done anything bad… she'd actually made best friends with the principal and they were still the bestust of buddy-friends until that very day.

But Vincent was different from the other guys. He was a gentleman and revolved around making his girl happy, not about only his needs…but that still didn't mean Yuffie didn't get to make her way with him. Two words: deep throat. And on her first damn try, too! Try having that Lucrecia bitch do _that_.

"'Morning. You awake?" Vincent inquired, giving her arm a small shake.

"No." Yuffie grumbled as she slowly shifted in place, brows furrowing slightly. Vincent sniffed a laugh and brushed her hair behind her ear. He let his hand trail down her neck and spine, pulling himself so that his chin rested nearly over her shoulder and his body in a "C" shape, Yuffie cradled inside. He noticed something unusual and lifted some of the hair at the nape of her neck to reveal a tattoo. It was a red and gray star with the kanji symbol for "ninja" written in the center. Two stars flanked either side of the large star, both black.

Vincent raised his eyebrows amusedly. He would never have guessed that his Yuffie would ever get a tattoo. In more amazing to him was that he had managed to miss it just last night when he gave Yuffie a "full body examination". He licked her cheek gently, causing her to stir. She drew back and gaze him a puzzled stare.

"Time to wake uuuup." He sung softly, smiling at her indignation. She was like an elementary student who refused to get up and get ready for school.

"I wanna stay here forever." Yuffie pouted, placing her arms on his broad and well toned chest.

"Forever?" he repeated. "Life would get pretty boring then, wouldn't it?"

"Okay, so maybe not forever." She admitted. "But at least for a few more hours." Vincent propped himself up a little to glance over at the alarm clock.

"But honey, it's already eleven." He explained.

"We can sleep till three." Yuffie grouched. Vincent shook his head and stroked her cheek.

"I don't think so." He disagreed. "Come on, let's get up. We can't drag this out much longer."

"But you're so waaarm!" Yuffie moaned, wrapping her arms as much as she could around her Vincent. He smirked and pretended not to notice her sudden static-cling effect. As he was in the corner, the only way out of the bed was to crawl down and hop over the footboard, or to crawl over Yuffie to the other side of the bed. Vincent of course, choose the later option. He swung himself over Yuffie, giving her a nice shot – all around – and landed softly on the other side.

Yuffie gawked at him, her eyes glazed over. Vincent stood there, nude, as she let her eyes eat him. He raised an eyebrow and grabbed a bathrobe, heading for the bathroom.

"Hey! Hey hey heeeey!" Yuffie called after him, suddenly full of energy. She pulled on her bathrobe and tracked him down. Just as he swung the door closed behind him, Yuffie snuck in, the door closing alarmingly close to her backside. "Don't even think about excluding me!" she grinned mischievously. Vincent turned on her in alarm, before relaxing into the realization of her words. Huzzah for round two!

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Cloud woke up, instantly feeling uncomfortable. He groaned and rolled over, staring sideways at the hard, tile, ground. _What! Ground? Tile?_ He pulled himself up and saw a curtain rod lying less then a foot away from him. He scratched his head thoughtfully_. I don't remember buying that._ mp

He took in his surroundings more. About a yard away was Tifa, slued over in a sitting position with Denzel sleeping on her lap and Marlene attached to her arm. She reminded Cloud somehow of a mother cat and her kittens. In Marlene's other hand was a suspiciously familiar pink box. _We DEFINITELY did not buy THAT!_ Cloud thought forcefully.

He glared at Denzel. _It was YOU, wasn't it?_ He accused in his mind. Then Cloud saw the stacks of porno magazines that Denzel clutched in his hands and resting under his head and body. For a moment Cloud pondered over how he could get the magazines away without waking Denzel, and more importantly, Tifa.

Cloud stood up and stretched, then blinked in confusion. _Heeey! This ain't my house!_ Actually, it wasn't even a house. The towhead squinted up at a sign just a little above his head. "Super Midgarmart Isle 7: Toys and Games". What the hell? They all spent the night at Midgarmart? Just because they're open 24/7 didn't mean that it was okay and entirely legal for workers to allow people to spend the night there. I mean, what store would let potential hobos just live outta their shop?

"What time is it?" Cloud inquired to nobody in particular.

"Clocks aisle twenty-four C." Came a voice as an old woman dressed in a green smock hobbled by, marking down Barbie's to half-off.

"Do I _have_ to go to aisle twenty-four?" Cloud whined.

"I don't know! I've been in here for the past twenty years! I never want to leave… I don't care what time it is!" Smiled the woman stupidly.

"Creepy-ass chick…" Cloud muttered as he went over to Tifa, prodding her awake, "Tifa… we have to leave… NOW." Tifa blinked her eyes open slowly, chocolate brown orbs staring at Cloud in confusion.

"Hnn? Why, Baby?" She inquired.

"Or else THAT will happen!" Cloud pointed to the creepy old woman, singing a strange melody as she marked the Barbie's down and down and down…

"That sounds like fun!" Marlene cheered, popping up from sleep as Cloud took the toy away from her and set it up on the highest shelf, "Aww…"

"We might as well just-" Tifa paused as Denzel awoke slowly, peering through the aisles to the electronics section, "What the-?"

The woman stood and walked quickly towards the electronics section, Cloud and the kids following close behind.

**VIOLENT CAT MURDER AT LOCAL BAR/HOTEL SEVENTH HEAVEN. POLICE INVESTIGATE. **Was written as the subtitle of the news as a woman with blonde hair reported.

"Late last night, many people reported what was to be a violent, long cat murder in which a cat was slowly and painfully tortured to death." Said the woman, "Though many say it sounded more human than animal. Most claim that is was a banshee which haunted the bar. Police are currently inves-" The woman stopped and placed her hand on her ear as she nodded to somebody off-set, "This just in! The violent screaming has began once more, and the police think its too loud to be a cat! They believe it's a woman being violently and brutally tortured to death."

"Does that mean we have to stay another night here?" Marlene inquired hopefully.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Crap." Vincent's super-human hearing had picked up something in the small bar below them.

"What is it?" Yuffie inquired sadly as the shower beat warm water onto her head.

"We're not alone." He tossed her a towel from outside the shower as he wrapped one around his waist.

"Shit." Yuffie scowled, clinging the towel above her chest as Vincent craned his head out of the bathroom door, "What's the supposed to mean?"

"Come on." The ebony-tressed man grabbed his red cloak as he wrapped it around himself and Yuffie.

"Where are we going?" She asked innocently as he carried her towards the still-open window.

"Um… far away. Let's go to a place that's less… populated." He said, hearing the police come closer.

"You mean to go rut in the woods?" Yuffie asked happily.

"Um, yeah, let's just get going…" He answered slowly. And with a flick of his scarlet cape, they were gone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"My bologna has a first name, its O-S-C-A-R, my b-"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP, LOZ!" Kadaj yelled as the silver rental car tore through the streets.

"Okay." Smiled Loz.

Five…

Four…

Three…

Two…

"ONE MORE TIME!" Loz screamed, waving his arms around.

"NO MORE TIMES!" Kadaj and Yazoo screamed back, "Jeez! We'll NEVER find an apartment with YOU around."

"I'm sorry…"

Blah

Dee

Dar…

"I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE-"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Kadaj screamed, snapping on the radio.

"And in latest news, the mystery of the cat murderer is still unsolved. Supposedly, the crime scene has been observed. It appears the cat was stripped of all clothing, thrown against the wall, used to break a table, destroyed a bed, used to break another table, thrown up against another wall, and eventually was used the nearly break the hinges off the door." Said the voice on the radio, "It is still unknown how large this cat is or why it was wearing women's clothing."

Yazoo looked pointedly at Kadaj. "I swear! It wasn't me!" Kadaj protested. "I am NOT the cat murder/rapist person."

"Ya! Why would Kadaj-kun want to kill a cat in women's clothing?" Loz protested from the backseat.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Tick 

DING!

"Holy shit!" Kadaj swore, eyes going wide. Yazoo frowned at him.

"Hm?"

"That's a DIFFERENT kind of cat!" Kadaj blinked.

"Ya, it must be HUGE!" Loz beamed. Yazoo shook his head. Had Loz EVER reached puberty?

"I wonder who it is…" Kadaj pondered, dazing off.

WHAM! Something hit the top of the car as the three jumped, looking around.

"Look! A red birdie!" Loz pointed to a red piece of material floating away in the sky.

…

"Um… okay?" Said Kadaj, "Hey look! Is that the place?"

"**1433 Sirea Lane- 3 Bedrooms & Bathroom For Rent: $53 A Month** Yeah, that's it." Yazoo nodded reading from the newspaper.

"Yeah, this is 1433 Sirea Lane… says right below "Rainbow Ranch: Not Gay, Just Happy"." Loz nodded.

Kadaj and Yazoo stared at each other before hitting the gas.

"Where's the next place?" Kadaj inquired.

"**Ome State Park: Dark Woods Town Houses**." Yazoo read from the paper, "Rent is **Only $100 A Month**."

"Great!" Kadaj nodded.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The guy at the office was dressed in a black dress shirt with a noose around his neck as well as a pair of bloodstained jeans. His face was covered in white make-up with black eyeliner, and he was holding a little girl who looked exactly like him… accept for the fact her eyes were completely black and she was holding a headless doll.

Kadaj and Yazoo sat, petrified in their seats. Loz smiled.

"So… about rent…" Said Kadaj slowly.

"$100 a month… plus your SOUL."

"O-kay then. We'll be going."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Where's the next one?" Kadaj asked, looking horrified.

"Dove Acres Apartments. Sound innocent enough." Yazoo shrugged.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Yes, its wonderful here." Smiled the woman as she held up an umbrella. Everywhere, everything was WHITE. Accept for they gray pigeons that occasionally flew overhead to take a large dump.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Dove Acres- NO." Yazoo said, scratching off the name, "And next is: **Xymed Avenue. Three bedroom home for rent w/ pool and fountains, 222 sinks, 6 bathrooms, and 19 showers**."

"19 showers with only 6 bathrooms?" Kadaj asked, glancing over at the paper.

"That's what it says." Yazoo shrugged. "Also includes an indoor koi pond. Great plumbing! Hmm, might as well go and see."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hi! Welcome to Xymed Avenue!" a cheerful man with brownish blonde hair said. He smiled and pulled out a flyer on the requested house. "Let's go take a peek, eh?" The three silver haired men shrugged at each other – or rather, Yazoo and Kadaj did, Loz was trying to snorkel in a pond – and walked with the cheerful man to the requested house.

"This one's for rent! Only $99.99 a month!" the man beamed. Kadaj glared at him.

"Why the hell don't you just make it a flat 100?" he grumbled.

"'Cause that's not as fun!" the man beamed back stupidly. There was a splash and Yazoo and Kadaj looked to the source of the sound. Loz sat in the large koi pond, screaming.

"Help! Help! Heeeeeeeeeeeelp! I'm drowni- FISHIE!" he plucked a koi from the pond and waved it at his brothers. "Lookie lookie! I gotz a fishie!"

"That's wonderful Loz." Kadaj grumped as he dragged the older boy back to the car.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hoookay. Appearantly not that one." Yazoo sighed, scratching yet another house off the list.

"At least he didn't run through the house and turn ALL 222 sinks on!" Kadaj moaned, rubbing his temple. Loz's eyes got big.

"Oooooooooo! That sounds fuuun!" he cried, trying to get out of the car.

"Thank God for child-lock!" Kadaj cried. "Next?"

"**Guest House At Rural Estate, 20 min. Drive to Edge. Come with 2 twin beds, couch, TV, full bed, loft, bathroom, & kitchenette $200 a month** sounds steep, but worth it." Yazoo sighed, "Let's go."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I GET THE LOFT! I GET THE LOFT!" Loz cried from up in the loft as he bounced around like a monkey. The loft came with the full bed, but Kadaj and Yazoo were willing to sleep in the twin beds if it meant staying far away from Loz.

"Its nice out here." Kadaj sighed as he went out onto the back porch where the woman attempting to rent out the Guest House was. She smiled politely at him.

"Yes it is." She agreed softly, "It's always very quiet and there is nobody out here to disturb us. But there may be some minor construction in the next few weeks; somebody just bought the land next to ours. "

"That's okay." Kadaj smiled, "As long as we don't make to pay with our souls."

"What?" The woman asked, looking bewildered.

"N-nevermind." Kadaj shook his head, "So where's the contract?"

"Right here." Smiled the woman. Kadaj consulted Yazoo and Loz briefly (Loz more briefly that Yazoo) and signed the contract.

"I hope you enjoy it here!" Beamed the woman as they began to unpack, and then-

"**_DEAR GOD, VINCENT! YOU'RE FREAKING CRAZY!_**"

O.o "The fuck was that!" Kadaj asked.

"Oh!" Smiled the woman, "It must be the new neighbors that bought the land next to ours! A young man came and bought the land a few weeks ago to build a house on… what was his name… Vincent?"

"**_KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_**"

"I think his new girlfriend is moving in with him."

O.o "Whatever made you think THAT?" Yazoo spat sarcastically.

A couple of minutes later, Yuffie trudged out of the bushed, Vincent's cloak wrapped around her, "Hey! Do you have any honey?"

"GO AWAY!" Kadaj yelled.

"Of coarse dear!" Smiled the woman and came out of the house with a small container of honey, "And remember to wear a condom!"

"Okay! Thanks Principal!" Yuffie smiled and traipsed back into the bushes.

"Lets. Go. NOW!" Kadaj said through gritted teeth. The three bolted from the house, but not before Kadaj ripped up the contract.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kadaj sat twitching in the driver's seat, causing the car to jolt every few seconds. Yazoo read off the next residence: Rewolf Rewop Ct. Yazoo turned to Kadaj. "What the hell is up with THAT name?" he cocked an eyebrow.

"Don't know, don't care." Kadaj shook.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Like, heeelllo!" a man with pink hair greeted them, wearing a silver, black, and pink pinstripe business suit. "Are you guys here to buy the house? Like, oh me God, I can't wait to show you!" He dragged the three off to the house.

The houses were all uniform with little pink and white shutters and various pastel colored trims that resembled Barbie playhouses. Loz couldn't wait to move in. Besides for that, there was something strange.

"Uhh… where are all the women?" Kadaj asked looking around. The pink haired man shot him a dirty look.

"Why? What do you need _them_ for?" Kadaj sweatdropped.

"Riiight. Cya!" He tried to run, but the man grabbed his wrist.

"Oh, but I can't let such a HANDSOME man such as yourself just go." He purred. Kadaj twitched violently.

"I… think… I'm having… a heart-… attack!" he wheezed.

"Oh, so am I, darling, so am I!" pink man replied suggestively. Yazoo chose this time to interfere, rescuing Kadaj from the man and dragging Loz back to the car with them.

"Bye bye, faggy man!" Loz beamed, waving a hand and throwing flowers about.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"And here we have the sexual torture chambers-"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Through this window, you can get a good view of the cemetery."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Okay! Triva time! This house used to be a whore house!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"CHICKEN DANCE TIME!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What crack under the sink?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"And this is where the mortician used to cut up the bodies!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"This is where the orgies were!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I like potatoes…"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Would you like a roast-beef sandwich?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"i"M sEeIn pReTtY kUlErZ!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Kadaj screamed, they'd went through EVERY house on the ENTIRE damn list! First it was the gay ranch, then the soulless emo community, and then bird shit world, water world, the love shack, gaytopia, the creepy playboy mansion, the house behind a cemetery, the whore house, the crazy chicken farm, the house with a bunch of crack, the old funeral home, the humping sex house, the one with mushrooms growing in the ceiling, the one that turned out to be a sandwich shop, and another crack house.

"We'll never find a place to stay!" Kadaj screamed, pulling at his hair.

"'Apartment Complex Of Ultimate Evil.'" Loz read from a sign on the side of a building, "'Now Leasing At Low Prices!'"

Kadaj and Yazoo looked at each other, "STOP THE CAR!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Go my minions…GO!" Screamed a man with a pointed, snake-like face as a bunch of people wearing masks took off out of the office, "Hello there." He smiled sadistically at the three silver-haired men.

"Minions… this sounds interesting." Kadaj smiled as he sat down. A little girl dressed in a white kimono walked past him, giving him a creepy look with blank eyes of black opal before continuing on.

"Yes, its wonderful here, isn't it?" Asked the man as a woman in a skimpy, red dress handed him a cup of coffee.

"I'm not really bad…" She said as she walked away, "I'm just drawn that way."

Loz smiled and rocked in his seat. The snake-like man frowned. "Oh, it seems you have a "Stupid Lackey"™. We have a special place for them."

"OH THANK GOD!" Yazoo let out a breath as the man stood up, "Come, I will show you."

He showed them out of the office and into a giant hall where stupid lackeys were being… well, stupid. A stout, balding man sat in a corner rocking back and forth. A small child ran into a wall over and over and over again, laughing about butterflies. A green… toad… thing hit the wall with a wooden staff. A teen with pepper-gray hair laughed constantly as chewed a rubber steak. "NARF!" Said a white mouse as it ran in circles. A girl with a blonde braid cackled as she stole some cookies from a cookie jar and ran into the wall.

"Seems perfect for him." Kadaj sighed as they left the man, screaming about butterflies and doughnuts with the young boy.

"Yes, and if you come out here you'll see-" The snake-like man stopped in mid-sentence, his face clouding with anger. At the edge of the apartment complex, several teenagers dressed in ebony robes were doing graffiti on a brick wall, it had a crude snake-like caricature of the man with a paddle with writing next to it reading "I AM LORD MOLDY SHORTS- SPANK ME HARD!"

"YOU GODDAMN KIDS!" Screamed the man, whipping out a long wand and running towards the kids as they laughed and ran off, "DIE BITCHES!" He yelled, shooting green sparks at them. After they were gone, he grumbled and cleaned off the wall, before composing himself and clearing his throat, "Shall we go on, then?"

"So… do you have a pool?" Yazoo asked slowly.

"Yes, and with special child locks for the idiot minions." Nodded Lord Vo- Copyright Infringement.

"I think I'm in somewhere south of heaven." Kadaj grinned blankly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"We'd like you to know that if anything like this happens again, we'll have to shut you down." The police officer said to Tifa as the woman sighed and nodded, signing the paperwork.

"I would think our… er… guests would've been more considerate as to not… murder a cat." Tifa cleared her throat.

"Oh. That's just a cover-up." The police officer rolled his eyes, "The brutal murder of a cat is WAY less disturbing to the public than loud sex."

"I… um… okay, whatever you say." The woman shrugged.

"Just try to keep the lovebird teens away from here is all we ask." The officer tipped his hat as he trotted out of the bar, Denzel flipping him off behind his back.

"Tifa…" Said Marlene quietly, "What's seeeeeexxxx?"

"When a stork drops a baby out of the sky." Tifa said, not even looking at Marlene as she slumped over.

"I always thought babies came from a cabbage patch." Cloud commented lightly.

"No cloud, they come from Denver." Tifa rolled her eyes.

"I'm confused." Marlene blinked.

"Tell you what." Tifa sighed, "You ask when you're ten and we can talk about it then."

"Why then?" Marlene inquired.

"Because you're already messed up enough, sweetie." Tifa patted the girl lightly on the head before slumping over and hobbling slowly up the stairs.

Once she and Cloud were gone, Marlene turned to Denzel.

"I'll give you five gil if you tell me." She blinked.

"But haven't we been using dollars throughout this fanfiction?" Denzel inquired, quite out of character.

"… do you want the money or not?" Marlene glared at him.

"Okay, let me get some Magazines."

"Denzel?"  
"Yes?"

"Babies come from mommies, right?"  
"Uh-huh."

"Not the stork?"

"Nope."

"Not a cabbage patch?"  
"No."

"Not Denver?"

"… well, maybe there. But more or less that's where all the STD's come from."

"STD's?"

"… maybe you should wait until you're ten."

"But… but…"

"Tifa's right, you're fucked up enough as it is."

"… what's fucked?"

"You are. Now go to sleep."

"Okay." Smiled the girl, skipping up the stairs. She dressed into her My Little Pony nightshirt and brushed her teeth with Berry-Flavored My Little Pony toothpaste and her My Little Pony Toothbrush. She then put on her My Little Pony slippers and went into Tifa and Cloud's room.

Cloud was sitting on the bed in a pair of gray sweatpants, watching football with a retarded stare on his face.

"Cloud?"

"Mumana?"

"Are you alive?"

"Bedaputa…"

"…"

The girl went into the bathroom where Tifa was brushing her hair.

"Hey, Tifa?"

"Yes, sweetie."

"Denzel says I'm fucked."

"… Anything else?"

"No. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

On her way out of the bathroom, Marlene climbed up onto the bed and kissed Cloud's cheek as he grumbled, still ensnared within the TV.

She then walked into her room, got under her covers, and closed her eyes where she dreamt of a Cabbage Patch in Denver with Storks flying overhead.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hey, Yuffie?" The two were sitting outside, under the coruscating light of the lustrous moon, curled up at the base of an old redwood tree. Staring into the ebony, velvet oblivion that was the night sky. Dotted with small bits of light that represented life somewhere else.

"Yea?" Yuffie looked up, pulling the scarlet cloak up to her nose to protect herself from the cold.

"Can I ask you a question?" Vincent inquired, yanking some of the cloak onto him… Yuffie was such a sheet hog.

"Hmm?" She replied in a hum.

"Where do you live?" Vincent looked to the younger girl.

"…" Yuffie blinked, "Um… here and there… where do YOU live?"

"… here and there, as well." He replied, looking up to the sky as she cuddled up to his chest.

"Hey, Vincent?" She addressed him softly.

"Yeah?" He looked to her briefly.

"Let's be together forever, Okies?" She beamed.

GLOMP!

"Okay." He smiled, "But the problem is… um… we don't have a house."

"We can build one here!" Yuffie cried enthusiastically.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Long Pause.

"Do you know how to build a house?"

"No." She beamed.

"Um… okay."

"Let's make other people build it for us!"

"That sounds good."

"YAY!" She squeed, "So that means we can… all the time cause nobody's all the way out here accept for Principal-sama! And she has too much brain damage to even know what's going on."

"Hey, Vincent?"

"Yes?"

"Wanna go again?"

"Aren't you TIRED?"

"No, not really."

"Go to bed, Yuffie!"

"Whyyyyyyy?" She whined.

"Because the author is too lazy to even write detail after the short, one-word sentences, let alone a lemon!" He sighed, "Now go to bed."

"Pleeeeeeaseeeeeee?"

"In the morning, Yuffie."

"Damn it."

Silence.

"Vincent, honey."

"I'm asleep, Yuffie."

"Let's have a kid."

"Something's telling me that's gonna happen whether we plan for it or not." Vincent moaned.

"Damn straight!"

"GO-TO-BED."

"But I don't want tooooooooo!"

"Yuffie, before last night, when was the last time you slept?"

"Today's Sunday, right?"  
"Right."

"And what year is it?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He stormed into the city, without will or word, his eyes narrowed in anger. The bitch had left him… she'd left him for nothing more than dealing a good punch to her. Women needed to learn their place, that little skank couldn't prance about acting like some ninja while he was around.

"Yuffie…" He whispered coldly, his knuckles cracking.

Oh yeah, and this dude wasn't Vincent.

**ZOMG CLIFFHANGER... AND PLOT! END DAY THWEEE! **


	4. OMG PLOT!

**Author's Note: **Daaaaaaamn. We really got a lot done for one night of writing O.O Now THIS is the kind of shit we're capeable of writing. Kudos to Junsui-chan for her action scene and **_LEMON_**! I would've written it, but... ano... (turns bright red) I was too shyyyyyyyyyy... XD I think I'll just stick to limes and emotional situations for now XD I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Its my favorite so far. :3

**Keep On Rockin' In Midgar**

**Day 4: OMG PLOT!**

The season slowly melted away from late spring, into the gentle caress of summer. Warm winds blew through the town of Edge as its inhabitants began to leave the warm navels of their homes. Wow… there was actually LIGHT in Edge? Um… Anywho, life was going as… as… well, _interesting_ as always.

Cloud and Tifa were living life as always, Tifa was tending to the bar… cleaning the bar… mixing drinks… blah…. Blah…. Blah….

Twitch. Why had life gotten so fugging boring lately? It was like there had been a huge uproar in… stuff… and now it was all like (insert cricket chirping here).

The woman sighed and placed a hand on her navel. The baby was getting bigger and she was starting to show… that meant no more cute clothes… maybe ever. But it wasn't her fault. Noooooo… it was ALL CLOUD'S FAULT. Yes, when all else fails, just blame Cloud! RAWR. Death ray to the blonde dude standing, facing the wall…

"Fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, SIXTY!" Cloud opened his eyes, "Now I wonder where Marlene is?"

The girl giggled from her hiding place behind the counter.

"Hmm… Could she be… HERE?" Cloud looked under a table and hummed to himself, Marlene giggled once more, "No?" How about…" Cloud lifted a chair, "HERE!"

"Nooooo!" She giggled happily.

"What about…" Cloud leapt over the bar and grabbed Marlene as she squealed and wiggled in his grasp, "HERE! I found you!" I found you!"

"Hehehe! You found me Cloud!" The girl beamed, "Now YOU hide!"

"Uh… oh… okay!" Cloud smiled, "Count to sixty!

"Okay! Oneeeee… twooooooo… threeeeee…" Cloud took off towards thee back room as Tifa sighed and followed him. Thinking he was alone, cloud shut the door and stood, deathly silent.

CLICK!  
The light snapped on, revealing Tifa to be an inch away from Cloud, glaring daggers at him.

"GAH!" Cloud jumped, "T-tifa! What are you doing here!"

Tifa reached behind her and locked the door.

"Isn't… isn't that cheating?" He whimpered as she walked towards him slowly, "Umm… Tifa? T-tifa? _Tifa_?"

"You dirty BASTARD!"

POW!  
"Tifaaaa? WHYYYY?" Twitch. Twitch.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THE PROPOSAL RING VINCENT GAVE YUFFIE?" She screamed into his face.

"Um… maybe?" Cloud whimpered.

"DID YOU SEE HOW BIG THAT DIAMOND WAS?"

"…should I be scared?"

"DID YOU! OR DID YOU NOT?"

"Meep. Maybe?"

Suddenly, Tifa's angry glare melted into a frown as she began to sob, "Why can't I get a ring that ni-I-iceeee?" She sobbed.

Cloud twitched, "Tifa, wh-wha-what's the matter?"

"I'm old and ugly and _faaaaaaaaat_!" She wailed.

"Aw, no you're not." Cloud went to hug her, but Tifa glared at him as if he were the scum of the scum of the Earth.

"LIAR." She hissed in an extremely scary voice.

"Tifa? Honey, you're young and beautiful and pregnant! That's all!" Cloud beamed uncertaintly.

"DIE!"

"T-t-tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Marlene and Denzel stood outside the locked door, major sweatdrops forming on their heads. Marlene turned to Denzel, "Is THAT sex?"

"No… no… Marlene, that's _rape_." He said slowly, "I… think?"

"What's that?" The girl inquired.

"I don't even WANT to know what she's doing to him." Denzel twitched, "When is your dad going to pick you up?"  
"He keeps saying in a week… he says that every week." She sighed as Cloud screamed in pain.

"NO! TIFA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I NEEEEEEED THOSE!"

"QUIT WHINING AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN YOU BASTARD!"

"OH DEAR GOD!" Denzel yelled. "Should I call somebody?"

"CALL THE GHOST BUSTERS!" Marlene grinned.

"PLEASE TIFA! NO! NO! DON'T EAT MY NUTS!"

"HOLY FUCK!" Denzel screamed, "She's SICK and TWISTED."

"What is she doing to him, Denzel?" Marlene screamed, grabbing his arm.

"I HOPE ITS NOT WHAT I THINK IT IS!" Denzel twitched.

Suddenly the door flew open and Tifa marched out. Cloud was on the floor, crying.

"CLOUD, WHAT DID SHE DOOOO?" Denzel yelled.

"She ate all my nuts!" Cloud sobbed, raising an empty can of Planter's peanuts up for the boy to see.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"YAY! Our house! Like in the coffee commercial I hate!" Yuffie smiled, clinging to Vincent's arm.

"And it only took several months to build." He sighed, "There goes my life savings…"

"What life savings? You were in a coffin for thirty years." Yuffie frowned.

"Don't remind me." Vincent frowned back.

"I can just steal the money back." Yuffie beamed, dancing around her fiancé in circles.

"Okay, that works." Vincent shrugged unenthusiastically as he headed into the house.

YAY! It was like a Japanese abode with pretty souji and wooden platforms. Yuffie had stolen- err…. Picked out the furniture all by herself, which consisted of a white sectional couch with a glass coffee table placed placidly in front of it as well as a white leather beanbag thrown somewhere on the floor. The kitchen was small, as neither of them really knew how to cook with a fridge, stove, microwave, and coffee maker, while in front of that was a short-legged Japanese-esque table with a bowl of wax fruit on top. Nothing much was on the second floor so far, save for a bed Yuffie had stolen- err… gotten from a very nice furniture store.

"Hey, Vincent." Yuffie whispered seductively into his ear, clinging onto him from behind, her finger drawing small circles on his chest, "Guess what?"

"…" Vincent's eye twitched. He'd never gotten used to her doing that… thank god for his cloak, "Yeah?"

"I tested the bed out." She smiled slightly, her tongue finding its way into his ear before she lightly blew into it. Geebus, that woman knew how to drive a guy insane.

"You what?" He inquired, slightly preoccupied with her body more than her voice.

"I tested it out." She grinned, "It was nice and bouncy. You know how I found out? Hmmm?"

"Hubba?" She was like a drug for him…

"I took off allllll my clothes and I jumped up and down on it." Yuffie was working to undo his cloak.

"That's… nice." Vincent drooled, a far-away look in his eyes.

"Hmmm… you want to try it out together?" The scarlet cloak spilled to the ground.

"Do I?" He grinned as he spun around, slamming her into the wall, kissing her….

HA HA HA! NO LEMON FOR YOU! Not so fast, anyway ;) We'll get there…

"Well well well, if it isn't Yuffie The Master Ninja?" A calm voice drawled. Yuffie's eyes widened slowly as she twirled around into the protective arms of Vincent.

"Who are you?" Vincent asked coldly as the girl hid her face in his chest. He could feel her heart pounding… Yuffie had never been this afraid… not in her entire life.

"You could say I'm an old buddy of Yuffie." Smirked the stranger.

"Get out of our house!" Spat Vincent… Yuffie was shaking…

"So possessive!" The stranger snickered; he was tall, probably just taller than Cloud, with pale blonde tresses falling over ice-cold orbs of blue. He was clothed in a long, trench coat of ivory leather with a blue vest and pair of grudge jeans underneath. "Anywho, I'm here to get my girl back!"

"I broke up with you a year ago, Seifer!" Yuffie cried into Vincent's chest, "Go away! We don't want you here! You're not even from this Final Fantasy!"

"Too bad, so sad!" Grinned Seifer as a sword materialized in his right arm. Yuffie gasped and grasped Vincent even tighter.

Vincent emitted a low snarl and gently pushed Yuffie behind him. She gave a soft cry and clutched to his back. "Leave our home now." Vincent warned, hand reaching for his gun. Seifer smiled wickedly at the pair.

"I don't think so." The sheen of the gunblade cast strange beams of light around the room, tickling the features of Vincent and Yuffie. Vincent backed up, and in a sudden flurry, pushed Yuffie behind the couch and whirled around to fire several shots at Seifer. The gunblade expert deflected them easily and lashed out at Vincent's face.

"Perhaps I shall give you a pretty scar to mirror mine… after all, you wouldn't be the first." Vincent blocked the oncoming blow with his gun, struggling against the sheer force and weight of the blade. With a grunt, he used his clawed arm to push the gun and force the gunbladist back. Seifer stepped back in brief shock, giving Vincent time to haul off another round of shots.

The first couple pierced the surrounding walls, and one found it's way into the blonde's flesh. The last bounced off of the giant gunblade with a dull metallic CLINK! Cupping a hand to his bleeding arm, Seifer snarled at Vincent, whom had retreated to the doorway – away from where Yuffie hid. Seifer took the bait and lunged from his crouched position, gunblade before him.

Vincent smiled evilly and shot at the unprotected stomach, forcing Seifer to pull his onslaught to a halt. The raven tressed man leapt over his opponent and collected his red cape from the ground, swirling it over his shoulders and hooking it into place. Seifer turned around wearily, gunblade at the ready. "Give me back my bitch and I'll leave you alone." He threatened, locking the trigger. His only response was three consecutive shots from the triple-barreled gun, and a deadly smile.

Two pierced skin, four were deflected, and the rest missed by a marginal amount in which the blonde had ducked. He fired the trigger on his gunblade's hilt, and a large ball of fire flew from both sides of the blade, hissing in the air. Vincent jumped and front-tucked over his opponent, cloak brushing his face. He ducked as Seifer turned back to him once more, rolling from side to side and firing the last of his bullets.

The two were equally matched, but the battle had only just begun. Seifer resorted to swinging the gunblade around like a sword; it's key chain swinging to and fro. Vincent's cerberus gun mirrored every swing and dip, now bearing many new scratches across its once fine finish. This time when the blade came, Vincent resorted to using his clawed arm to hold the blade, even as it tore and rented the metal, bruising the flesh underneath. Scarlet blood trickled down the brassy limb, pooling beneath the two fighter's feet.

Seifer grinned down dangerously close to Vincent's face. "So it_ is _connected?" he hissed tauntingly. "Very well, all the more fun for me!" With that, he pulled the blade down with a sharp tug, causing Vincent to howl in pain and recoil instantaneously. Both men sported several wounds. Whether it was deep gashes, bullet wounds, or claw marks, blood spilled freely from them both and stained their clothing. Seifer's blade stuck into the blood worn carpeting as he vainly tried to haul the heavy blade upwards. He could feel his strength starting to drain along with his blood, and he started to get a pounding in his head.

Vincent reached his injured arm to the pouch he had attached to his belt, hidden just underneath his cloak. He quickly withdrew a package of bullets and loaded them into his weapon. Shakily, he drew the barrel level to the blonde's head. Seifer looked up in shock and despair. The bullets whizzed through the air and SHING!

Seifer glared at his opponent. "You really thought I'd just give up and die?" he mocked. "I'm taking the girl irregardless of what you say. Though it sure was a pleasure to fight you." He swept the gunblade under Vincent's booted feet. Vincent vaulted into the air and his foot connected with Seifer's back. Using this as leverage, he gathered his muscles and sprung across the room to land in a crouch, sliding slightly.

The blonde grunted in pain and used his weapon to haul himself up. Pulling it free from the ground, he summoned another pair of fire bullets and used the blinding light to charge Vincent and trap him beneath the glinting blade. Vincent breathed heavily, staring up the glistening metal into laughing blue eyes. "You see? I always get what I want." Sweat and blood leaked down Vincent's tired features. He desperately searched for his gun.

Turning slightly, he saw that it had been tossed aside when Seifer rushed him. He glared hopelessly back at his enemy Seifer hauled the blade back, planning to plunge it deep into Vincent's throat, when a female voice stopped him in his tracks. "You haven't won! Not yet!" Yuffie stood several feet away, Vincent's gun in her shaking hands. Both men turned to look at her incredously.

"Yuffie! Go! Run!" Vincent pleaded.

"You think you can kill me?" Seifer sneered. "Do you really think you could take a human life?" Yuffie shivered under his scrutinous gaze, the barrel of the gun quaking in her unsteady palms.

"I admit, I may not have been the 'Greatest Ninja Ever', but for as much as I prided myself in my strengths, I never realized how weak I was to have ever been in love with you!" she cried, crystal tears coursing down her cheeks.

It was like everything happened in slow motion. The bullet sprang from the gun like a cannon and hurled through the air. It plunged deep into Seifer's chest, making him stagger backwards in surprise. His eyes widened in pools of disbelief, as he drew a hand to his bleeding chest. His own blood trickled down his fingers as he watched in morbid fascination. He never realized how cold he was. The blonde crumpled to a heap on the floor. Seifer was dead.

Yuffie stood stock still, gun still smoking in her hands. Suddenly, it crashed to the floor and she ran to Vincent's side. He weakly propped himself up and cradled her to his chest. She sobbed into his blood soaked, tattered cloak, not caring how dirty she was getting. Vincent ran a hand through her short, black locks, whispering softly into her ear, "Everything will be okay now. Now that you've defeated the ghosts of your past." It wasn't until then that he slipped into a realm of unconscious being.

"I hardly doubt it's far from over." Yuffie gasped as a hand of ice cold gripped her arm. "Not even in death shall you escape me."

"LET GO OF ME!" Screamed the girl, spinning around, she found herself staring into eyes of green, charged by envy beyond the grave, "Seifer! What-?"

Suddenly, the girl spotted a greenish glow within his wrist, "Materia!" She looked to the Materia in his arm, "Luos Materia?" Yuffie blinked. Luos. The forbidden materia, used to store a wisp of a soul within it, but only when charged by the seven deadly sins would it keep its holder alive and thriving. Not only that, but it was a copyright infringement!

"Its time we find someplace quieter…." The undead man rasped into Yuffie's ear as she screamed out in help.

"VINCENT!" She howled, but her love had fainted, the going-ons of the world lost to unhearing ears, "**_VINCENT_**!"

Yuffie struggled greatly with all her might, but Seifer was just too strong, the unholy materia would work until his goal was complete-

"No…" Yuffie whispered, "**NO**!"

"SHUT UP!" Seifer's hand flew across her face with superhuman force as Yuffie screamed out once more, but there was nobody for miles… not even Principal-Sama was around that day… "I SAID SHUT UP!"

Up the stairs and down the hall, Seifer pulled Yuffie by the hair into the nearest bedroom. The girl thrashed in protest, howling and fighting as Seifer forced her onto the bed.

SHING!

The gunblade was pressed against Yuffie's throat, wiping Vincent's previously shed blood against it… if Seifer would've added any more pressure to it, it would…

"You're going to kill me." Yuffie whispered, the tears returning once more as they slid down the sides of her face.

"No…" Seifer bent down, dangerously close to her face, "Now that wouldn't be any fun, now, would it? I'll make you bleed, Yuffie." He whispered, "And then I'll have my way with you as many times as I want…" A sadistic smirk came over his face, "After that, I'll make you watch me kill him. And then I'll let you die, too." He grabbed her shirt, "Consider it an honor to die after being 'loved' by me."

"Fuck you…" Yuffie sniffed as coldly as she could.

"Oh, well, I think it's the other way around." Seifer sneered, placing his gun blade to the side as Yuffie squirmed beneath his heavy grasp, he reached into her shirt and fondled one of her breasts, grabbing it tightly with no care or concern if it hurt her or not. Yuffie screamed out on protest, attempting to flair her legs, but he merely sat on them, hissing into her face: "Shut up or I'll hurt you worse."

"NO!" Yuffie screamed as loudly as she could into his face. Seifer hit her again, working her out of her top.

"You've always been such a pretty little tramp, Yuffie." Seifer whispered into her ear, "I don't see why you can't charge."  
"I… _hate_… you." She growled, crying harder than ever.

"Seems we have something in common." Seifer laughed at Yuffie as she screamed and struggled, "Don't struggle, it only makes it harder for me."

"NO! STOP!" He was going to rape her. Yuffie was sure of it at this point. He had her naked and he now took his gunblade and pressed it against the side of her leg, drawing blood with a quick slice down the length of her thigh. Yuffie's shrill voice echoed throughout the halls.

"I like it when you scream for me, Yuffie. I want to hear you scream." Seifer rasped into her ear, "And I love it when you bleed, Yuffie. You'll be bleeding a lot more when I'm done with you."

Yuffie looked away, she knew he was going to make it hurt as badly as possible. He was fucking crazy and a machoist at that, and he wouldn't die until he'd done all those things he'd told her he would do. The girl closed her eyes and silently prayed to God… she prayed he'd just die when he was done with her and leave Vincent be… she'd give anything to let him live, even her body if that was the case.

"**GET. AWAY. FROM. HER.**" The tone of his voice was dead cold, Yuffie felt dizzy as she looked around, her vision skipping as she did so.

"Vincent." She choked breathlessly. Hot tears trickled down her face in relief. Feebly, she reached a slender hand out to him. "Vincent." Seifer turned and scowled at the raven-tressed man, who stalked into the room. Hid own blood mixed with that of Seifer's, and ran along his muscular frame. The now tattered cloak whipped around him with some unseen wind, dark crimson eyes screaming with hatred.

Seifer held his hand up towards Vincent, green energy slowly snaking down his wrist and gathered into a ball. Vincent's eyes flashed with anger and he rent the gunblade out of the ground, brandishing it before him menacingly. Seifer growled and released the energy in a powerful blast, and banshee-like scream escaping from Yuffie's horrified frame.

Vincent pause a moment, expecting the oncoming orb. As it released from Seifer's grasp, he hurled himself forward, catching the blade on fire as green flames crackled to life on its surface. With a mighty heave, he compiled all that remained of his strength into one final blow. The blade bore down with crushing force, hacking the blonde's arm off in one clean slice, and cutting another scar across his face.

Seifer spat with rage as the flames ensnared his body and ate at his flesh. He contorted with pain and anger as slowly, before a final burst of his own Sin wracked his body and he fell silent for good. Vincent threw the gunblade to the side and brushed the dead man off of his Yuffie.

"Did he touch you? Yuffie, you're bleeding… he cut you… Yuffie… Yuffie did he hurt you?" Vincent was trembling with fear as he knelt over Yuffie, leaning down to kiss her lightly. Yuffie's heart was pounding out of her chest, her eyes producing more tears than she knew possible. She let out a long sob as Vincent picked her up, holding her close to him, "Its okay now, Yuffie. I love you. Its okay."

"I was so afraid…" The girl whispered, squeezing her eyes shut as she inhaled his intoxicating scent of Vincent, "I was afraid… that he was going to kill you, Vincent. He said he was going to make me watch him kill you…" She sobbed once more as Vincent pressed her to him.

"Even in the face of death, Yuffie, you only care about me." The whispered, placing his face next to hers as Yuffie cried loudly.

"And you can say the same about yourself…" She agreed softly as she shut her eyes, her lips meeting his once more, "He did touch me… on my chest… but he didn't… he didn't…" Yuffie burst into another set of tears as Vincent held her closer than before, "It was so scary, Vincent…. He… he was cutting me…"

Vincent broke away momentarily, laying her down on the bed as lightly as he could, tracing the cut down the side of her thigh with feather-light fingers.

"That bastard…" He choked, wondering why he'd do such a cruel thing to an innocent girl such as Yuffie, "Let's clean you up…" He glanced to the bloody mess around the room that was Seifer before picking Yuffie up bridal style and carrying her away to the bathroom to clean off her cut. After the wound was dressed, Vincent held her to his chest and rocked her soothingly in his arms before she asked him to make love to her.

Before then, they two had hardly realized how much they cared for each other. When brushing against the ordeal of death, two people can before aware of their true feelings for each other. While they were in love to begin with, Vincent and Yuffie never realized the balancing perfection they had on each other.

He was like the storm in the night. Ebony darkness fell over his body and embraced his soul, as if there was no return from the dark abyss his life had been cast into. The remnants of his soul were the only traces of light left in him, but were like the crashing lightening, destructive yet beautiful at the same time. His lost love acted like the lost sight in the black night, no moon to guide you to the save embrace of love, cast away by the clouds that were fate that covered the illuminated moon.

She was like the light of the sun. Always cheerful and obsessive, she kept a jovial disposition on life, never giving in to a problem, and continuously fighting against the elements. The corona of light was the pure essence of her beautiful, strong soul, unlike any that had ever been observed before. Though tainted by society and as dirty of a thief she was, there was something about her that spoke of child-like innocence and purity.

Vincent Valentine and Yuffie Kisagiri were light night and day, yin and yang, the complete opposite of one another.

But everything must co-exist; there is never one side to the story. Maybe that is why they were meant to be with each other, a perfect balance.

(And I'm sure you now just want me to shut up so you can read your lemon, ne?)

Together in all forms of eternity, they held hands the entire time. And it was unlike any other thing they'd experienced, like a connection, a bond held throughout time and-

(Geebus. What the hell am I saying? You just want your damn lemon! Well, you know what? This is as good as its going to get… now…. Um… shit. I'm stuck… OKAY. I'm fourteen and I've never gotten laid and I've read two lemons and I'm just going to sit here and make excuses until I'm not too shy to actually WRITE something that's not all metaphoralical crap… is that even a word?

Well, Luckily, you have a thirteen-year-old who has also never gotten laid and has read so many lemons that she's actually lost track of how many she's read….. me iz a perv monkey, eh? V Hehehe

So, why don't you just sit down and help me write this shit before I turn as red as a beet and get a nosebleed?

Okie dokies then! YAAAAY! I mean- erm… something.. not … SCREW IT! Happy tiiiime!)

Vincent gently held Yuffie to him and pressed her to the cool tile floor. He drew his head back and brushed noses with her, looking intently into her eyes. For a moment they held each other's gaze before Yuffie rose against him and pressed her lips to his. She licked at his lips, getting the entrance she so greatly desired. Their tongues fought for dominance, as passion overtook their hearts and souls. Yuffie ran her hands across Vincent's broad and muscular back, drawing them back to unbutton his cloak as she had done several times before.

It slid off with practiced ease, landing on the ground beside them. Vincent grunted in pleasure as she ran her tongue along the inside of his mouth. He pushed against her, elicting a small squeal of delight as she ecstatically raced to pull at his shirt. It came free from where it was loosely tucked into his leather pants. Yuffie broke their kiss, gulping for air and seductively pulled the shirt over her lover's head. Flinging it aside, she allowed him to take his turn.

Lovingly, he went in for a short kiss, ending it abruptly as to leave her in want of more. He nuzzled into her soft flesh and began to leave a trail of hot kisses down her neck; a hand on her shoulder to hold her down as she bucked forward. She moaned as his minstrations continued. In a painfully slow manner, he began to lick her skin, trailing down her neck and shoulders to the valley between her breasts. Freeing his hand from her shoulder he massaged one of them, sucking at the nipple. He smirked in self-satisfaction as it hardened instantly at his touch, rewarded by the frantic touch of Yuffie's hands.

She pressed her hands across his back, digging in her nails whenever another wave of lust wracked her small frame. She trailed her touch farther down across Vincent's ass, slipping farther beneath him. He growled his pleasure and continued to lick at her breasts, clawing at her sides and hips. She frowned as another moan escaped her lips and her hands worked their way to Vincent's hips. She stroked the area tenderly and lightly, as to entice him a little farther. Swiftly, she moved lower and massaged his man-hood.

He roared, lifting his head up from between her soft mounds and roughly began to kiss and bite at her jaw line. Yuffie worked him slowly at first, building tempo and tracing her fingers up to the nearly invisible zipper on his pants. She tugged at it, and Vincent kicked them off hurriedly, removing his boxers along with them. He lifted Yuffie up and placed her on the counter-top, allowing her to wrap her legs around his waist. She threw her arms around his neck and pressed his face into the crock of her neck, his fingers already entangled in her short locks. "Viiinceent." Yuffie moaned, egging him on. He raked his fingers up and down her spine, elicting more groans of pleasure.

He embraced her to him and slipped her back off of the counter and onto the floor once more. Moving back down, he allowed her to prop herself up a little before seizing her lips and passionately kissing her again. She tilted her head back as far as she could, exposing the front of her neck, her chest rising and melding with his. He slipped a hand behind her lower back and pulled her to him. His fingertips brushed her folds, pushing against her part. She bucked against his hand as he pressed and massaged the tender bundle of nerves.

Intoxication spread throughout Yuffie's body as the pressure placed upon her part sent shivers of excitement and anticipation crawling under her skin. She screamed softly, bringing her head to Vincent's shoulder, allowing herself to feel the delightfully painful strain. She nuzzled into his neck as he had done to her and licked behind his ear and along his jaw line, tasting the salty taste of his sweat. It all just seduced her more.

She was moaning loudly in his ear now, small screams and gasps tickling his flushed skin. Still, he worked his fingers over her slit and nerves. Her body was trembling from the pressure, and he finally relieved her from the soft pain. In a fluid motion, he pulled into her, causing her to go wide-eyed and gasping with shock. Instantly, she wrapped her legs around his waist and clung to his torso.

He wrapped an arm around her waist and snaked it up her spine, supporting her head in his palm. Impulsively, he bit and licked at her exposed skin, thrusting into her. She screamed and pulled at his hair, caressing his face a moment later. Sweat ran down her face as she gave him a sweet, loving smile, before another wave of passion hit her. He gave in to his desires and scooped Yuffie from the ground once more and rammed her against the wall. She gasped at this and even harder still when he powerfully thrusted into her.

Huskily, he whispered into her ear, "Yuffie… I love you…" She moaned and squeezed her legs tighter around him, pulling him in farther. He pushed against her with a small smirk on his face as the expected pull came from her. They found a pace they could both take, and lost themselves within each other. Vincent ran his hands under Yuffie's butt and along her thighs, leaving a tingling sensation wherever his nails ran.

"Viiincceent." Yuffie moaned, pushing against him. He took the hint and they resumed their starting position on the floor. This time, Yuffie pressed against his shoulders, and he eagerly switched with her. She straddled his hips and traced the ripples in his chest. Small thrills raced through Vincent's veins as she rode him harder then were necessary. She pulled out, forcing him to exit her, and stoked his manhood, taking it in her mouth.

He gasped as she massaged the tip with her tongue, tangling his fingers in her matted hair. She felt a small sense of power course through her as Vincent moaned out her name is ecstasy. She couldn't fit him entirely, and in a few short moments, it was even harder, but by the way Vincent was moaning, she knew she was pleasing him. She released him with a final lick before seating herself atop him again.

Now filled with desire, Vincent flipped her back below him and he thrusted into her deeper then before. Together, they climaxed, screaming each other's names, before shuddering and collapsing in a heap on top of each other. Vincent panted heavily, slipping out of Yuffie and rolling off of her. She turned weakly and looked at him, bangs plastered to her forehead with sweat, skin rosy red. She scooted over and cuddled against Vincent's heaving chest, and he was sure that she could hear the hammering of his heart.

Her breathing slowly evened out as she drifted off into a deep sleep. "I love you too, Vincent." She murmured. He smiled down at her. She was so perfect. Carefully, he picked her up and carried her bridal style to a spare bedroom, laying her down gingerly beneath the covers. He slipped in beside her, arm draped over her waist, face nestled in her hair. Vincent had never thought she looked more beautiful.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"You mean we have a plot?" Tifa inquired to the person on the other side of the telephone.

"Yeah." Vincent replied from his side of the line. Yuffie was connected to his arm in her sleep, trembling violently, "Poor Yuffie…"

"Hmm." Tifa's eyes narrowed in suspicion, "I won't ask. But what was that guy doing here anyway? He wasn't even from this Final Fantasy."

"Seems one of the authors was too lazy to write an OC." Sighed the man as he picked Yuffie up and set her on his chest, "But, regardless, I think he was a previous love-interest of Yuffie's. She told me that she'd been in an abusive relationship about a year ago, but she'd gotten away from the guy."

"Sounds like she didn't." Tifa replied darkly, "Is she okay?"

"Sleeping. But not soundly." He replied. Yuffie's sleep was fitful, as if she was having terrible nightmares, the girl kept mumbling, trembling, her fingers twitching.

"What happened to the guy?" Tifa pressed.

"I killed him." Vincent's voice was surprisingly emotionless.

"Thought so." The woman sighed, "Do you want me to get Cloud to go over and help?"

"Not now." Vincent shook his head, even though Tifa wouldn't be able to see him, "I think it'd be best if I got Yuffie out of here as soon as possible."

"I'll lift your ban on staying here temporarily." Tifa's voice was sad and full of pity, "You know you're always welcome here if you're quiet."

"Thanks. I think I'll take your offer." Vincent sighed and glanced to Yuffie as she weakly called out to him in her sleep, "We'll come over as soon as Yuffie wakes up."

"You sure that you're both okay?" Tifa really sounded worried as she leaned on the bar top, licking her dry lips.

"As much as possible. I'll talk to you later, Tifa. Goodbye."

"Yeah, bye." Tifa nodded as she clicked the phone off, resting her head on folded arms as she sighed.

"Hey, Tifa who was that?" Cloud walked down from the stairs, giving Marlene a piggyback ride. Tifa glanced to the girl as she craned her head foreword.

"Go put Marlene in her room, Cloud. I don't want her to hear it." Tifa explained.

"Oh, okay." Cloud nodded, his eyes clouding with worry at Tifa's expression.

"What happened, Cloud?" Marlene pressed as Cloud set her down on her bed. The girl grabbed one of her My Little Pony plushies and glomped it to her chest.

"Its called plot, Marlene." Cloud explained, patting her on the head.

"We have a plot?" Inquired the girl.

"Um, well, for the time being, yeah, I guess." Cloud nodded slowly, "Stay here, Marlene. I'm really serious about this."

"Okay." The girl complied, worried as well before Cloud went downstairs to see Tifa thumbing through a phonebook.

"What's up?" Inquired the blonde, reaching over to run a hand through her brunette tresses.

"Vincent called." Said Tifa slowly.

"And…?"

"Some guy broke into their house, supposedly. He fought with Vincent and tried to assault Yuffie." Tifa explained. Cloud's eyes widened. Yuffie was annoying, yes, but she was like a little sister to him and also one of his best friends.

"What happened?" Inquired Cloud.

"Vincent killed him." Tifa sighed.

"Ouch." Cloud winced, "What's going to happen now?"

"I'm calling Reno." Tifa explained, finding the number and grabbing the phone.

"Why Reno?" Cloud blinked.

"I'm going to see if Shin-Ra can do us a favor and… er… get rid of the evidence." The woman said slowly.

"Oh." Cloud frowned.

"Vincent said he'll bring Yuffie over here for awhile." Tifa frowned as well, "I don't think they'll do anything, though. I don't think Yuffie is quite well."

Cloud felt bad. He just did. "Okay then, do you think I should go over to help get rid of the body?"

"No." Tifa shook her head, dialing up Reno, "Vincent wants us to stay out of this, I think." She paused, "Hello? Reno. Yeah, its Tifa. Uh huh. Uh huh. No. Um… stuff…. Err… do you want me to be specific? Okay, then… we need to blow someone up… no… no, they're already dead…. Um… Vincent… I don't think he'd want me to tell you… hurr… um… I didn't get the gory details but it seems he mutilated the bastard… yes, bring the Oxy-Clean. And the Cola, cola gets out blood. No, I'm not joking, I saw it on Myth Busters… uh huh… yeah… you like that show? Yeah, it's good… oh! Anywho, can you come to the bar? Really? Thanks!" Tifa went to say goodbye but paused, switch the phone to her other ear, "No, no. I'm sorry; we haven't seen Yazoo in a while. I hope you find him soon. Uh… well I'll be seeing you, then. Bye Reno." Click.  
"So… where's _our_ plot?" Cloud scowled.

"I don't really even WANT a plot right now. We've had enough plot to last us this entire story and we're getting really out of character." Tifa groaned, resting her chin on the bar, "Poor Yuffie. I feel so bad for her."

"Well, at least she got her lemon." Cloud shrugged, then scowled, "Why don't WE get a lemon."

"Because, one is good enough." Tifa frowned in reply.

"Stupid authors." Cloud folded his arms in anger, "I want a lemon…"

Tifa picked a lemon off of the counter and threw it at Cloud's head, "Enjoy!" She beamed as the blonde glowered at the yellow fruit.

"I hate you." He told the lemon.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Is Aunt Yuffie okay?" Asked Marlene as she and Denzel sat up in their room. The two were eating soup in a cup at Marlene's little table that she did her homework and occasionally drew at, her face clouded with worry, "She looked really sick when Uncle Vincent carried her in."

"I don't know." Denzel frowned, slurping up a wonton, "I asked Cloud, but he said he'd tell me later. They're all really worried."

"Uncle Reno is here, too." Marlene piped in, swirling her soup with her chopsticks, "They were talking about a body before Tifa made me come back up here… did somebody die?"

Denzel shrugged, "I dunno. Probably."

"Who?" Marlene inquired.

The boy shook his head, "I don't know."

"I'm worried." The young girl looked downwards, bangs falling over her eyes.

"Me too, Marlene." Said Denzel, reaching across the table to grab her hand.

"Do you think we can go out now?" The girl looked up to her 'brother' with hopeful orbs of brown.

"I'll ask." Denzel set down the Styrofoam cup and stood up, walking to the door, creaking it open. Reno, Cloud, and Vincent were standing in the hall, talking in hushed voices.

"Denzel." Cloud looked up, his eyes dead serious, "Go back in your room."

Denzel nodded and retreated back to the room, closing the door in front of him.

"What happened?" Asked the girl, her eyes were beginning to coruscate with worry.

"Well, other than the fact this story is having all the humor sucked out of it as we speak, I just got sent back here." Denzel sighed with a shrug.

Marlene's lower lip trembled as she began to sob. Denzel went over and gave her a hug. "We gotta be strong, Marlene. We gotta be strong so everybody can get this over with without any problems. We don't wanna get in the way, okay?"

Marlene nodded, wiping tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand. Denzel sighed, knowing the girl didn't handle stress very well and walked her back to the table where they finished their soup and sat on their beds.

Marlene picked a stuffed animal off of the shelf and huggled it to her chest. It was black and looked like a Shad- COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! Denzel sighed and got out the blowtorch hidden behind his bed. What it was doing there, we really don't know. Marlene's eyes widened in fear. "Come on Marlene." Denzel sighed. "You heard Cloud. All copyright infringement must die."

"NO! You are not taking Sor-COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT from me!" Denzel blinked at his 'little sister's' words. God, it sure was weird to talk to someone whose speech was randomly censored by an omnipotent voice…

"Okay…" Denzel shrugged, lowering the blowtorch. He looked down at it thoughtfully. "Stay here Marlene, or t3h plushie gets it." He threatened. Marlene nodded vigorously and smiled slowly as the bright rays of humor trickled back into the story. She poked the speech bubble hovering above her head.

"This author uses 'trickle' a lot." She said randomly. "And this one says 'coruscating' a bunch." Denzel popped his head back in the room.

"Marlene! Stop butchering the story when we FINALLY got a plot!" he scolded. He went back into the hall and raised the blowtorch determinedly. "TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!one!1" he screamed. Reno, Vincent, and Cloud turned to face him. They all kinda looked like this  O.O

"Cloud… why does Denzel have a BLOWTORCH?" Vincent asked menacingly.

"Meep!" Cloud shivered under the other man's scrutinous glare. Why was he always the scape-goat? He was supposed to be the main male protaginist in this story, God damn' it! Maybe it was karma… and what had happened to the SHM anyway?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"YES!" Kadaj screamed, punching the air. "We're back! We are baaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkk! Just when there was a plot, too!" Yazoo nonchalantly flicked the rubber band at his brother's head, hitting him in the temple. "OWE!" Kadaj glared. Yazoo smiled and rolled over on his bed.

"I'm bored." He stated. "And I miss Reeenoo." He glomped a pillow with a small frown on his face.

"Yuck." Kadaj stuck out his tongue. "Reno's not even gay." Yazoo glared at him from under the pillow.

"What! He's not!" Kadaj protested. "No lemon's for you!" he shook a finger at the older, bisexual, boy, then stopped and twitched. "Eeeeeeewwww!" he moaned, looking at his brother as if for the first time. "Eeewww eeeww eeeeeeewwww." He sat in the corner of the room, rocking back in forth. Yazoo turned to smile at a random screen.

"And now back to the plot!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNTTTT CHICCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEENNNZZZZZZZZZZ!" Loz screamed, waving around a butterfly net, as he ran through fields of green and WHAM! ….. crashed into a wall. Emo-boy patted the green carpeting happily and threw a cookie at the boy in white.

"YAY COOKIE!" he screamed, dive bombing for the cookie. Loz looked up, missing a few teeth.

"I want a cookie!" he moaned. He charged for the floating white boy and jumped for the cookie. Emo-boy smiled from behind the violet locks that covered half his face and slapped the ground enthusiastically. Then the door opened and in came a tall man with long, brown hair that hung in clumps and probably hadn't been washed in a looong time. Like Emo-boy, he wore a long, black, leather cloak.

"Octopus Man!" Emo-boy screamed, waving at him. 'Octopus Man' twitched and pulled a green vial from his cloak and sniffed it. Automatically, his eyes went all red and swirly and-

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yazoo frowned at the camera. "That's NOT the plot, moron!" he scolded. Kadaj stopped crying in the corner and looked up curiously.

"Plot? What's that?"

"This, Kadaj. THIS!" Yazoo smiled and pointed at a misty portal-ish screen… thing… yah…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cloud looked around. "I have the strange feeling that we're being watched…"

"NOW WHAT'S GOING ON?" Denzel yelled, waving around the blowtorch.

"Things have died, Denzel and things that died must be blown up accordingly. Now go in your room and be quiet before we have to kill you." Denzel 'meep'ed and slowly turned around to where Tifa was hovering over him. Giggling, the boy set down the flamethrower and ran into the room at the speed of light.

**End Day Four… hmm… no more cliffhanger… well, its mostly that we're out of creative juices. I hope you guys enjoyed the lemony-fresh goodness! See you on day five! **


	5. Stupid Fillers

Keep On Rockin' In Midgar

Day 5: 

Stupid Gay Fillers

"Ever notice we failed to do an opening and little commentaries throughout the last two chapters?" Kadaj asked, eating his cookie.

"…no. I doubt any of the readers noticed either, after that lemon." Twitch. Twitch. Yazoo sighed, "Now where is my favorite mug, I want to make tea."

"Beats me." Kadaj said, pushing the shattered mug under the table further with his foot.

"HEEEEEY GUUUUYS!!!11" Loz yelled as he traipsed into the room, clinging to his arm was a very hyper, very insane, very blonde copyright infringement, "I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend! She's a stupid lackey, too!"

"HIIiiIiiiIiIiIiIII!!!!" Screamed the girl in a shrill voice. She was slightly short with a thick braid of strawberry blonde hair and big, green eyes. She had a fang in her mouth and was dressed in a green corset with a pale blue half-jacket and shoulder pads, as well as a pair of matching shorts.

"Oh… shit." Kadaj twitched as the copyright infringement -let's just call her… "Not Excel"- danced about the room, screaming something in Italian for palace.

"IRRRAPARAZOOOO!!!!" She screamed in copyright infringement.

"Too… much…" Yazoo and Kadaj were twitching. Finally, Yazoo shot the girl dead and Loz smiled.

"YAY! Now here comes my favorite part!" Loz beamed. A swirling mass appeared over Not Excel and she jumped back to life.

"GAH!" Kadaj and Yazoo screamed.

While Denzel was getting a death-threat from Tifa, Marlene had snuck in a mission-impos-COPYRIGHT INFRENGEMENT-esque way to Yuffie's room… maybe Yuffie herself would be able to provide some answers.

After rolling in a spy-like way into the room, Marlene shut the door behind her, SUCCESS!!! She struck a pose with a V for victory peace sign, and then went over to see Yuffie.

"Aunt Yuffie…" the girl whispered, leaning on the bed. (GAH! Stupid plot, it sucks the humor out of the story, but- being the angst-writer I am- I decided that just humor throughout the entire story would get pretty boring, as we already have this gay copyright infringement running joke- stupid copyright infringements- that you're probably tired of, as well as my constant ramblings popping into the story at random. So, I'll shut up now and let you get on with the story.)

Yuffie looked feverish, her cheeks were tinted pink and her face covered in a light veil of sweat. Her lips were moving slowly but surely, screaming out mentally for help from her hellish dreams. Marlene bit her lip and went to the bathroom to retrieve a cool, wet cloth, which she folded up and placed on Yuffie's forehead.

"You'd make a good mother someday."

Marlene gasped and looked up to see Vincent slouched against the door, smiling slightly.

"Sorry. Did I scare you?" He inquired, walking in.

"Um-hmm." Marlene nodded, "Am I in trouble for coming out of my room."

"No." Vincent shrugged, "I'm not mad at you. Just don't let Tifa find out you've been out of your room… she's in one of her moods today."

"Oh." Marlene twitched. Poor, poor Marlene. About the most messed up kid on the face of the entire earth, "Is Aunt Yuffie sick?"

Vincent walked over and plopped down on the red beside Yuffie, who whimpered in her sleep and clung to his arm like there was no tomorrow. She called out to him several times and did not stop until he'd moved her onto his chest. "I don't know."

The young girl frowned and nodded, "I think I'll go back to my room. I hope she gets better."

"Yeah." Vincent nodded, "Me, too."

As soon as Marlene had left, Vincent decided to try and wake up Yuffie. He stroked her hair as pushed back her dark bangs. "Yuffie… are you okay?" He inquired, giving her a small shake.

"Vincent…" She muttered in her sleep, "Don't go…"

"I'm right here, Yuffie." He whispered, kissing her on the forehead, "I won't ever leave you, I promise."

"Don't go…" Yuffie whispered softly, "No… no… no… Seifer… NO!" Yuffie leapt up and clutched the front of Vincent's cloak, her eyes wide and horrified. She was definitely awake.

"Are you okay?" He asked again as Yuffie's eyes clouded with tears and she began to cry. Sobbing into his chest, she gripped the collar of Vincent's cloak and pulled his face down to meet hers in a soft kiss as they exchanged repeated 'I love you's. It was evident she wanted him, but not in a sense of wild passion like earlier. She wanted them to be together, in her fear of him leaving her by death. She wanted him close… and inside, if that was the case.

He slowly removed the green bathrobe she had been wearing, making their contact easier as she helped him out of his clothes. But as soon as they were close, Vincent could feel Yuffie's heart pounding in her chest. Why she was frightened now, and not before, he was unsure. But as soon as he was inside, she began to cry again, slowly, as if it hurt her mind.

"Yuffie, maybe we should…" He began.

"No." Yuffie shook her head and grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers, "No, I want you close, I want you inside, Vincent." Yuffie closed her eyes as her head leaned back, a pleasured moan escaping her mouth despite the serious situation.

And thus did they move slowly and quietly. Yuffie's breath came rapidly, gasping in and moaning out.

YAY! About two weeks had passed and Yuffie was officially un-emo! DO A HAPPY DANCE!

And that was exactly was Yuffie was doing.

"GAHHH!!!" Yuffie stomped on the left arrow of her DDR pad in anger as the screen changed to "Failed", "WHY DO YOU HATE ME?" She screamed at the TV.

"Yuffie, don't kill the TV." Vincent sighed for the four-thousandth, two hundred, and eighty-second time.

"But its being meeeeeeeeeean." Yuffie whined, shaking the television.

"You've broken four of Cloud and Tifa's TV's playing that game." Vincent explained from where he sat the couch, "Save and get off, I want to watch the news."

"You're soooooooooo meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn…" Yuffie whined, tears in her eyes as she saved.

"Its for your own good, you'll kill the TV and end up putting Marlene in therapy again." Vincent rolled his eyes as Yuffie turned off the Playstation and chucked the TiVo remote at him.

"DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK THERE!" Marlene sobbed as she walked into the room, "Yuffie killed the TV and I had nightmares for WEEKS!"

"Anything good on?" Cloud inquired bored-ly as he sat down on the couch.

Yuffie sniffed, "Everything on TV is GAY." She sneered.

"Hey! Look, its t3h news!" Denzel pointed at the TV, "'Teenagers bring marijuana-laced brownies to highschool' Can I go to that highschool, Cloud?"

"NO." Growled Tifa as she plopped down next to Cloud.

Silence.

"Why is it so quiet?" Denzel inquired.

"We're waiting for plot."

"Oh."

More silence.

"We innturupt your normal broadcast for this special announcement! A rip in the space-time continuum has appeared next to the local bar Seventh Heaven." Said the TV.

"Where?"

**_BOOSH! _**

SPINNY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE AUTHORS ARE GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-ER

Cloud blinked and looked up to the sky. It was a sky. The author typing is drained of all detail, so its time to switch over!

SWITCH! Na na na na na Na! Doo doo doo doo doo Oh la la la! SWITCH!

COUGHNOTCOPYRIGHTINFRINGEMENTCOUGH

Cloud looked up at the sky. It was the sky. AND THEN THERE WAS A HUGE SWIRLING BLACK OBSIDEAN AND OMLETE ORANGE STREAKED VORTEX OF SPINNY ULTIMATE CHOAS AND DOOOOOOOM!!! Cloud sweatdropped.

"Hoookay…" He mumbled, going back in to fetch the others. After a record three seconds, Vincent, Yuffie, Tifa, Marlene, Denzel, Red XIII, and a toaster was sitting on the curb in front of the vortex.

"Ya know…" Denzel began, stroking the toaster. "This is kinda like in InuYasha where Sesshoumaru takes the black pearl out of InuYasha's eye and uses the nintoujou to open it and it leads to their father, Inu no Taishou's grave." And in a record point two seconds, everyone within a six mile radius was suffering from HUMONGOUS copyright infringement complex's. Denzel blinked at his friends/family that were twitching on the concrete. "So uh… do you think it'll lead to a grave?"

"……………….. somehow, I don't think so." Cloud shook his head. "In any case, you're not coming." With that, he and Vincent shoved their women into the vortex and hopped in after them. The SHM randomly appeared and jumped in too so that the plot was still in existence. But just so that Marlene, Denzel, and Red XIII didn't feel too upset, Loz tossed them each a cookie before disappearing. Then the vortex closed.

"Well this sucks." Marlene sighed.

"Yeah…. Let's go look at porn!" Denzel beamed.

"…..sure….."

"Wuh?" Yuffie stood up and straightened her skirt. Wait… SKIRT?! Yuffie NEVER wore a skirt. NEVER EVER EVER! But sure enough, she was in a blue plaid skirt and a white shirt and powder blue tie. "NO! MY WORST FEAR IS RELIZED! I'M BACK AT SCHHOOOOLL!!!" she howled.

Vincent stood up and looked admiringly at Yuffie's rather Japanese anime-stylized short school skirt. He was dressed in a handsome school outfit, a deep navy with gold buttons. drools Needless to say, he looked really shmexy. Cloud was dressed similarly, but he wasn't nearly as shmexy. Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo also doned the uniforms. Kadaj looked hella shmexy, Yazoo looked even faggier, and Loz barely fit in his. Tifa wore an outfit identical to Yuffie's, except it was in Yuffie's size and well…. Tifa's "curves are kickin'" and Cloud's DEFINITELY "thinking like stickin'"!

Three kids came up to them. There were two girls and a boy. The boy had silver hair and green-blue eyes. He looked at the SHM in shock. One of the girls had brown hair with blue bangs and sparkling hazel eyes, the other had dark brown hair done up in a half bun with the rest cascading down her shoulders and brownish-amber eyes. They all wore school uniforms.

"HI!" the blue-banged one smiled. "I'm Kawaii-chan!" The other girl smiled beside her.

"And I'm Junsui-chan." This here is- "KAJEX!!!" she screeched, pulling at the boy's jacket. Thirteen daggers disappeared in a flash. Sweat gathered at Kawaii-chan's brow as Junsui reprimanded Kajex. The SHM glared at Kajex. Cloud could hear Kadaj grumble something that sounded like, "That was the BIGGEST ass copyright infringement ever. Damn bastard… stealing and fucking up my name and shit… grumblegrumblegrumble."

"Come on! Come on!" Kawaii screeched, jumping around the group in a circle, "We'll be late for PE and Holt-Sensei hates it when we're late!"

"What are we doing today in class?" Junsui inquired as the others blindly followed the strange trio.

"WE'RE GOIN' SWIMMIN'!" Kawaii screamed, dragging Junsui along as Kajex rolled his eyes.

"What are you ON?" Kajex inquired as Kawaii stopped in bid-bounce, morbidly turning around slowly to face him.

"…do you honestly want to know?" She inquired darkly as Kajex took a step away from her.

"STOP SCREWING AROUND AND GET YOUR ASSES INTO THE POOL!" Screamed Holt-Sensei, her face bright red as there was a chorus of splashes and the students were in the water, looking with wide, horrified eyes as the blonde woman smiled, "Okay!" She cooed, "Its time to play water polo!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" The students screamed, for less than half of them could keep afloat for more than two minutes.

"BUT-!" She continued to yell, "The boys are **_NOT_** aloud to splash, scream, grab the ball away from the girls or use floaties. Girls are aloud to use as many floaties they'd like, hit, scratch, scream, kick, splash and mentally torture the boys. They can also have three goalies and drown as many boys as they want. NOW GO PLAY WATER POLO!"

"That's not fair!" Cloud yelled.

"SEE IF I CARE!" Holt-Sensei screamed, "NOW **PLAY**!"

The woman blew into her whistle as she chucked the ball into the water. Yuffie cackled and snatched it from the water, clinging it to her chest as a boy swam up and attempted to block her. "GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" She screamed shrilly, causing everybody (save for Vincent, who was used to the loud noise) to cover their ears.

"LOCKHEART!" Screamed Holt-Sensei. Tifa, who was still dressed in her school uniform instead of a swimsuit and sitting under the large shade structure/solar power unit that hung over the stands winced.

"Hai, Sensei?" She inquired softly.

"WHY AREN'T YOU IN YOUR SWIMSUIT? AND MORE INPORTANTLY, WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE WATER?" Holt-Sensei screamed.

"I… have a cold." She muttered.

"BULLSHIT! GET CHANGED AND GET IN THE WATER!"

"No… I'm sick-"

"**BULLSHIT.**"

"Look, can't I just-?"

"**NO.**"

"I'm not comfortable in a swimsuit right now, okay?" Tifa whispered.

"Oh. Well, there's always tam-" The teacher began, folding her arms in impatience.

"No, no, no… not that!" Tifa made her feet pigeon-toed and blushed, "I don't… I wouldn't look good in one."

"Oh, Lockheart. Every girl in this class has to wear a swimsuit, okay? You can't get any special treatment from me just because you're Miss Popular!" Huffed Holt-Sensei, beginning to lose patience, "And may I say you're also the most good-looking girl on campus. Are you afraid of getting skin cancer or something? I can always get some sun screen…"

"No, I don't want to get in a swimsuit now, okay? And I don't want to be in that deep of water-"

"Oh! Can you not swim? You can have an extra floatation device-"

"No! Its not that! And besides-" She looked down at her chest, "I already have flotation devices- Look! Can I **PLEASE** just sit out today, Sensei, _please_?" She begged.

"**NO!** **NOW GET YOUR ASS IN A SWIMSUIT BEFORE I SEND YOU TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!**"

"But I-"

"**NOW, LOCKHEART."**

"No, you-"

"**I'M GETTING IMPATIENT!**"

"I CAN'T!"  
"**AND WHY NOT?**"

"BECAUSE! I'M PREGNANT!"

**…**

There was the sound of a loon as the students, minus the FFVII characters, stared at Tifa in chibi-surprised version.

Tifa sat there, red-face with no eyes as small hairs stuck up off of her head. "Oh yeah, I'm surrounded by strange people from an alternate universe that I never met- perfect. Fucking perfect." She muttered.

Suddenly, the class burst out in sound. "ZOMG, Tifa!" Screamed one of the girls, "Who's the dad?"

"Cloud, of course!" Tifa screamed, still red, "Who the fuck else do you think?"

"Heeeeeey, Cloud!" Said a random guy, slapping Cloud on the back. Cloud now looked the same as Tifa did: red-faced, eye-less and with little hairs sticking out at strange angles, "Good going you sleezy bastard!"

"_Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_…" Cloud whined, "_Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyy diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid yoooooooooooooooou telllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem?" _

"WELL YOU'RE JUST AS RESPONCEABLE AS I AM!" She screamed, pointing a finger towards him in the water.

"WHAT?" He yelled.

"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?" She screamed in reply.

"…maybe?" He meeped, "I'm skwood, aren't I?"

As Tifa and Cloud continued to argue, Yuffie turned to Vincent and suddenly glomped him, "HEY! Vincent!"

"Yes, Yuffie?" He asked with a deep sigh.

"Let's do it now… in the pool!" She screamed.

"….not now, Yuffie." He sighed.

"Why not?" She inquired, cocking her head to the side.

"Because, Yuffie… we're in the middle of a public place and there's about fifty-eight other highschool students here." Why must he always explain these things to her?.

"… They can all watch, I don't really give a shit." She beamed

"COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!" Screamed the girl named Kawaii… and then.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHH!!!!

Back in the creepy in-between world.

"Sooo… where to now?" Cloud asked, looking around at the swirling orange and black surroundings.

"Anywhere that doesn't involve me spilling out that I'm pregnant, I hope." Tifa grumbled.

"YA! Good luck with that!" Yuffie said overly cheerfully, winking and giving the thumbs-up sign.

"Fuck you."

SWIRLYMAGICALDOOMSQUEESHINEPORTALNEWWORLDENTERINGNOW!!!YAYYYYYARCHTABACHICKEN!!!

Vincent stood up and ran a hand through his hair. It was… short?! He put both hands to his head. No, it was a mullet. It was cut short with longer pieces in the front and the back ended at the nape of his neck where it kicked out. "NOOOOO MY HAAAIIRRR!!!" he howled, mourning over the loss of his angsty-bishie haircut. He looked over and grinned as Cloud woke up.

"HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA VINCENT! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOOOUUU?!" Cloud wheezed out through laughter. Vincent thumbed his leather jacket thoughtfully.

"Well… at least I don't look like YOU!" he grinned, pointing at Cloud. Cloud checked out his new clothes and mullet.

"THE FUCK HAPPENED TO US?!"

"I think we traveled back in time." Tifa came up and suggested, pulling at the strings of her ski jacket. "We're in the early 60's it seems."

"Dude, I bet Vincent remembers the 60's!" Yuffie beamed.

"I'M NOT THAT OLD YUFFIE!" Vincent twitched irately. There was a rumble and a sky blue corvette rolled into the opening of the alleyway that the four were standing in.

"Yo!" Three men with shiny hair and madras shirts waved at them. One had longer hair then the others and was sitting casually on the top of the seats. He flipped his hair over his shoulder and beamed at them, a little sparkle forming on his teeth. "How you like us now, _greasers_?" Yazoo smirked.

"HOLY SHIT WE'RE IN A BOOK!" Cloud yelped.

"What's a b-o-o-k?" Yuffie cocked her head.

"What the hell? The Outsiders?" Vincent scratched his head. "This can't be good.

Loz jumped out of the car. He had a football jacket (orange and purple, wow that's so NOT gay) and gold rings. His hair was slicked back (when isn't it?) and he had shades on that matched Yazoo and Kadaj's. "Wanna play?" he asked menacingly. "You little greasers don't stand a chance."

"Ya, well at least _I'm_ not a SOCK!" Cloud yelled back.

"That's _Soc_, Cloud. Not Sock." Vincent rubbed his temples exasperatedly.

"Oh ya… well… well we're still gonna kick your ass!" Cloud argued meekly. "So there, beotch!"

_**BOOM!!!**_

After the smoke cleared, the corvette and the SHM were pretty beat up and the rest of the FVIII crew were …. unharmed. Seven boys stood in between. One, the youngest, turned to Cloud and smiled.

"Hey, my name's Ponyboy Curtis. What's yours?"

"PONYBOY! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RAVIOLI!" Yuffie screamed. Vincent sighed and patted her on the back.

"Sorry bout that. I'm Vincent Valentine, this is Yuffie Kisaragi." He pointed to Cloud and Tifa. "And that's Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart." The other gang members turned around and introduced themselves.

"Darry Curtis, nice to meetcha."

"Hey! I'm Sodapop, just call me Soda!"

"Hey, I'm Keith Two-bit."

"Steve Randle."

"Johnny Cade, how are you?"

"Dallas Winston. Call me Dally, bitch."

"Uh… nice to meet you all too." Cloud smiled, sweat gathering at his brow as he backed away from 'Dally'. Then there was a high-pitched shriek. The one called Soda groaned and looked hopefully at his brothers, Darry and Ponyboy.

"Hey, Pony. How bout we run?" he pleaded.

"Naw, I like them. They're nice."

"They like watching sunsets too." Johnny added.

"That's gay." Dally spat.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU MORONS!" Darry yelled.

"Bitch." Ponyboy grumbled. "I HATE YOU, DARRY! I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND ANGST IN A CORNER! Come on, Johnny, let's go!" He grabbed Johnny by the wrist and ran.

"Oookay…" Vincent blinked.

"LOOKIE LOOKIE, CHERRY! GREASERS!!!" a shrill female voice yelled.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!" another called.

"… You're really weird, ya know that?" Four girls turned around the corner; a red-head and a brunette Soc, and two brunette greasers. Except they all looked rather respectable and pretty.

"Like OMG CHICKEN!" one brunette greaser gasped.

"Ne, K-chan?"

"SILVERHAIREDBISHIESOFDOOOOOM!!!!"

"YAY."

Cherry Valance and her friend Marcia sweat dropped. "Yeah… yay."

"Heeey." Yuffie frowned, pointing at the greaser girls. "Weren't you in the last world?"

"SSSHHHH!!! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT! NOW I MUST KILL JOO!"

"In your sleep!" the other squeed.

"With a ravioli!" the other agreed. Then they danced around in a circle.

"This story just gets weirder and weirder." Vincent sighed.

"At least it has a demented sort of a plot!' Tifa argued.

"Plot? What plot?" Cloud frowned. There was a strangled yelp as someone was getting the life squeezed out of them. Everyone turned to see Kadaj had grown… an attachment.

"LIKE OH MY SQUEE!!! KAAAADDDDAAAACHHHUUUU!!!!" The younger greaser girl squeed.

"Uh… Junsui-chan…. I think he's deaded."

"EH?!" Junsui looked at a now blue Kadaj as he gasped for breath.

"JESUS CHRIST WOMAN!" he spat. "I think you're worse then getting the shit beaten out of me by them!" he hitched a thumb over at the greaser gang.

"I wuv joo, Kadachuu!" Junsui smiled admiringly. Like dish  :3

"…………………………. O.O" Kadaj stared at her.

"THIS IS GETTING THE PLOT NOWHERE! IT'S A STUPID FILLLER!" Kawaii howled with a stomp of her foot, "Now its MY turn, and THEN we get back to the plot!"

"But fillers build character!" Junsui piped in, still glomping Kadaj.

"SHUT UP! I CAN'T SPELL TODEH!" Kawaii screamed, her fingers hitting all the wrong buttons on the keyboard, "'Specially not you Kajec!"

"What?" Kadaj twitched.

"NOW ON TO ONE OF THE MOST SEVERELY FUCKED UP PARTS OF THE STORY!" Kawaii screamed.

"Dear God…" Junsui whispered, "You don't mean…?"

Kawaii grinned wickedly at her, "Oh yesh, my friend… oh yesh…" :3

o.o "Okay… if you insist…"

Suddenly, they were back in the evil in-between world of DOOM! But instead, everybody was being thrown around in this GIANT twister like in The Wizard Of Oz, but instead of flying bikes and cows, it was flying monkeys and chicken! WOO!

…

Okay, yeah.

So, everybody was split up into two groups and before you know it…

Yuffie landed on something soft, her face buried into it. '_Thank God that soft spot was there…_' Then, suddenly, she realized it was moving steadily up and down.

"Hoshit!" Yuffie sat up and… had her voice gotten _deeper_? Ignoring it, she leapt up and reached out to the girl on the ground, "Ohmigod, are you okay? Didn't mean 'ta fall… into 'ya…" Yuffie leant a hand to the unfortunate young woman as she sat up and shook herself off.

She was a rather pretty girl with raven tresses that fell over her ruby-colored eyes and pale face, dressed in an elegant cloak of scarlet. "Its okay…" She stopped and made a strange face, "That's… funny… why is my voice so light?"

"It seems we have the same problem… hey, you look pretty familiar…" Yuffie frowned, "Have we met?"

The pretty girl looked up.

He knew he'd seen this young man before with the dark brown tresses… but where?

"Hmm… you look like my fiancé, kinda." The raven-tressed girl cocked her head to the side.

"Oh! You look like a chick-version of my fiancé!" Said Yuffie with a grin as the pretty girl made a face.

"Oh… I didn't know you… swung that way." The raven-tressed girl cleared her throat.

"Um, what's the matter with marrying a guy? I _am_ a girl, shit-for-brains!" Yuffie sniffed, crossing her arms… over… her… … chest…… , "HOLY SHIZNIT WHERE THE HELL-?"

The raven-tressed girl looked on, slightly disturbed as Yuffie felt her chest, only to find that it was completely flat. She threw off the sweatshirt she- or rather _he_- was wearing to find toned abs and wide shoulders.

"HOLY FUCK, MAN! I'M…. I'M A DUDE!" Yuffie screamed.

"Is this just now occurring to you?" Vincent asked, a little smirk appearing on her lips as she folded her arms over her chest over her own chest… only then did she realize how fucked up this situation was.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD-?!" Vincent screamed and stood up, running to male Yuffie and grabbing his shoulders, "YUFFIE! YUFFIE IS THAT YOU?!"

"OHMIGOD, VINCENT?" Yuffie was nearly in tears, "HOLY SHIT! ITS ME YUFFIE!"

Vincent's eye twitched as she began to pace in circles. Yuffie curled up in the fetal position on the ground, "Okay… Okay, Yuffie. Yes it me, Vincent. And obviously… this is some really screwed up stuff."

"NO SHIT!" Yuffie screamed from his place on the ground.

"Okay… okay… now we just need to remain calm and find some people from this world… it seems the faster we interact, the faster we get out…"

"We have to hurry, then!" Yuffie yelled, jumping up.

"Why?" Vincent inquired.

"I have to go to the bathroom!" Yuffie whined.

Vincent sighed and folded her arms over her chest, shivering and putting her hands on her hips, "Yes, I do suppose that will turn out to be a problem." She sighed.

"OH! OH! LOOK!" Yuffie grabbed Vincent's shoulder and pointed to the bushes where a silver-tressed girl was standing up.

"Where am I?" She inquired softly. She was wearing a leather outfit that highlighted her curves and had a katana strapped to her side… kinda like the chick in Kill Bill. The girl blinked several times, "What the hell…?"

"HOLY SHIZNIT!" Yuffie screamed, point, "ITS- I THINK- ITS KADAJ!!!!"

"What are you talking about you idiot? Of coarse its me!" Kadaj grinned and flipped her hair with a feminine giggle, and them stopped, "Wait… did I just… and when did I get…?"

…

"Motherfu-"

THUMP. Kadaj fell backwards into the bushes and female Loz and female Yazoo ran up to her.

"Kadaj?" Yazoo asked, and then sighed, "Well, it looks like he- _she's_ not taking the news well."

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!" Loz sang as she danced in circles, "I feel PRETTY and WHITTY and GAY!"

Cloud got up and walked around. This place seemed normal at least. Except the whole world was screwed up. Everything was HUGE. He suddenly had the impression of being trapped in Wonderland. He shivered. What the fuck was that author on anyways? He approached a door and opened it, stalking down the hall. _Funny._ He thought. _This looks just like our house. _

"Cloud?" Cloud turned sharply. He knew that voice. "Clooud?" why did Tifa sound so high-pitched?

"Tifa?" he could back. He blinked. When did HIS voice get so high pitched?

"Oh! Cloud, there you are!" Tifa grinned, coming through the open doorway. "Where do you think… we… are? Cloud? What the fuck happened to us now?"

"Huh?" Cloud looked at her sideways. "I think we're in an Alice in Wonderland-ish place. Watch out for rabid white rabbits, Tifa, watch out for rabid white rabbits."

"Cloud!" Tifa whined, pointing at him to her. "Don't you see that there's a problem?"

"You found the rabid white rabbit?!" Cloud yelped, reeling around in surprise.

"NO YOU DOLT!" Tifa spat. Then Cloud saw it.

"TIFA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Your precise boobs are GONE! What a cruel, twisted, alternate deminsion are we in?!"

"Clllllllllloooooooooooooooouddddddddd." Tifa growled through gritted teeth. "That's. NOT. It." Cloud's eyes widened.

"You mean there's MORE?" he asked, very alarmed. He looked down.

"THAT'S NOT IT EITHER!!!"

"Oh, good. I was worried."

"Well, there's no guaranteeing THAT-"

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I NEED THAT!!!!"

"-BUT WE'RE KIDS!"

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I NNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD TTTTTTTTTHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII NNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE- Wait… what?!"

"LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU! We're kids, Cloud, KIDS!" Tifa screamed.

"Oh…. Shit." Tifa sighed. "I still need that, though." Cloud whined.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Tifa backed away. "What if we went back in time, huh? What then? I'm not gonna- when I'm only- GAH!"

"Huh? …………… ewwwe." Cloud frowned. "Gross."

"Um, where did everyone go?" Tifa asked, looking around.

"I dunno- HEY WAIT! DID YOU SAY WE WERE BACK IN TIME?! LIKE OH ME GAWD! TIIIFAA WE COULD CHANGE THE FUUUUTUUUREE!!! I COULD SAVE ZACK, AND AERIS, AND-"

**_"NO."_** Tifa growled.

"But…but…" Cloud whimpered.

"Fine… anyone BUT Aeris." Tifa sighed.

"Why?"

**_"BECAUSE I SAID TSO, THAT'S WHY. AND IF SHE DOESN'T DIE, THEN I WON'T BE YOUR FUTURE WIFE BECAUSE YOU'LL SPEND ALL YOUR TIME ANGSTING AND SHE WON'T MAKE YOU STOP SO THERE!"_** Tifa replied hotly.

"Meeeeep." Cloud cowered in a corner and rocked back and forth. "Maybe I do want Aeris ba-"

**_"RAWR!" _**Tifa screamed.

"Nevermind."

Suddenly, the song "Mr. Wonderful" from DDR began to play and a very grown up- very smexy Denzel walked into the hallway. Flipping light brown hair, he struck a pose on the wall. He was dressed in a pair of jeans with no shirt and he looked DROOLWORTHY.

"Hey, Cloud. Check it out!" Denzel twirled around, giving the two a million-dollar smile as his teeth sparkled with sparkly DOOM, "And look! Marlene is even better!"

"C-Cloud?" Aeris walked out from behind Denzel, wearing a fluttery, short skirt and a low-cut halter-top of pink with a pair of pink boots that went all the way up to her knees.

"AERIS!" Cloud began to cry, running to glomp her.

"No Cloud, it's me, Marlene." She said shyly. Cloud looked up and realized her eyes were too large, her face was too round, and her bangs were straight.

"Wow." Cloud blinked, that was all he could say, "MARLENE! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? YOU LOOK LIKE A HUSSY!"

"I'm sorry." Marlene blushed and looked down and her booted feet, "It's what I came here in. We got here right after the first time we were thrown into the weird… place. And we played cards until you came…" There was a series of high-pitched squeaks.

"Oh, God, not again!" Cloud moaned.

"If you're going to get a headache, we have _Children's_ Tylenol." Denzel smirked.

"Can it, bitch." Cloud growled.

"Ooooh. Such big words for such a little man." Denzel laughed happily.

"Children shouldn't talk that way." Marlene chided.

"You're BOTH paying for this when we get back to normal!" Tifa yelled. "And I'm sooo enforcing non-whore lessons to YOU."

"Hey! That's not very nice." Marlene frowned.

"Yeah." Denzel added. "Go to your room now and play nice!"

"I-we-you-WHAT?!" Cloud moped.

"Iz you playin nice, Cwoud?" a sugar-induced chibi-Kawaii-chan asked.

"DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE WHY?!" Cloud screamed. Marlene and Denzel laughed. Marlene reached over and kissed Denzel on the check and giggled. "You kids be good now, Denzel and I are gonna go have fun!" she beamed.

"FUN?! WHAT?! YOU CAN'T HAVE 'FUN'! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!!!" Cloud cried in protest.

"Look who's talkin', shorty!" Denzel smiled and whisked Marlene off. "Besides, ya know how _long_ I've wanted to try this?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIT!" Cloud screamed. Tifa punched him in the arm.

"THIS IS WHY WE DON'T GIVE DENZEL PORN, RETARD!" she screamed. Chibi/fairy Kawaii and Junsui looked at each other and shrugged. Junsui flew over to a picture frame. It contained a picture of Cloud, Tifa, Denzel, Marlene, a little black kid with a gun for an arm, Yuffie, Vincent, Cait Sith, Red XIII, another black kid who looked like he was cosplaying for the Matrix, and a kid with a long red mullet and an open white shirt.

"Who iz dat?!" Junsui inquired, pointing at the last person.

"Huh? Oh, that's just Reno." Cloud shrugged, glaring at the picture.

"WOW." Junsui grinned happily. "I bet he grows up to be hawt."

"Here's a picture of him older." Tifa said, pulling a picture of him out of her wallet. Junsui snatched up the picture.

"WWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW." She cooed, snatching it to her chest. "You're not getting this back you know."

"WHY DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF _HIM_ IN YOUR WALLET?!" Cloud roared.

"In case you didn't notice, Cloud, I also have a picture of Aeris and one of Sephiroth, and one of Kadaj, and one of Red XIII, and one of Reeves, and one of-"

"OKAY okay, I get your point." Cloud held up his hands. "HEY! WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE OF SEPHIROTH IN THERE???!!!"

"Uh… umm… you weren't supposed to know about that one…" Tifa said, stuffing the offending picture away in her pouch, coughing. Junsui was still drooling over the picture.

"Wowness. He looks like _him_. But Kadachuu looks like _him_, but different. GAAHHH! Whhhooo dooo I chooooose???!!!"

"You don't!" Kawaii-chan squeed.

"Meh?"

"You do what I do! You keep a harem of bishies!"

O.O

"Yuppers! You keep em all in a dark room and then let them take off their shirts and pour water all over themselves!"

"……………………….. YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

"What. Have. You. DONNEE???!!!" Cloud screamed at her.

"I've made the plot more interesting!"

"That's subplot genius, and it diverts from the _real_ plot!"

"What real plot?" Junsui asked.

"How do you know it diverts?" Kawaii asked evolly.

"Meep?"

"That's what I thought."

"Uh, guys?" Tifa asked. "SHOULDN'T WE BE SEEING WHAT MARLENE AND DENZEL ARE DOING?!"

"Tifa! You sick-sick minded person you!" Cloud gasped.

"No, you tard!" Tifa howled back. "We're trying to stop them!"

"….. Oh. Right…. I knew that!" Cloud grinned sheepishly.

"…Kadaj… Kadaj… WAKE UP!" Kadaj winced as he was slapped in the face.

"Geez, what the fuck did you do that for?"

"You passed out." The voice said from somewhere beyond… wait, who the fuck was talking to him anyways, it sounded like a chick… probably that creepy, screaming chick.

"Ah, man… I had the most horrible dream…" Kadaj sat up, rubbing his cheek, "I had I dream we all got turned into women…"

"Um…"

Kadaj opened his eyes to se two very pretty leather-clad girls sitting on their knees in front of him. One of them had silver hair in a pixie cut, while the other had silver hair drawn into a ponytail with bangs sweeping across her forehead.

"Who are you?" Kadaj asked.

"Loz!" Said the girl with a pixie cut, smiling brightly.

"Yazoo." Said the chick with the ponytail, "And it wasn't a dream, smart one. Look DOWN."

"HOLT SHIZNIT!" Kadaj screamed, jumping up. She jumped around in a circle, "Ewwe! Ewwe! Ewwe! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?! I look… like… TIFA!"  
"Lucky." Yazoo huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, which was considerably smaller than female Kadaj's.

"You're pretty imouto-chan!" Loz beamed.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT YOU WHORE!" Kadaj screamed.

"Whatever you say, shorty." Loz beamed even brighter.

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT SHORT EITHER!" Kadaj yelled, turning around in a huff, "Now where's that screaming chick and her undead boyfriend?"

"Other way around, dear br- sister." Yazoo sighed, placing her hands on her hips, "And if you continue going on about your height, we're going to have to call you Ed."

"YAY!" Loz cheered fangirlishly. "Then we can get her platform boots and a red cape and a metal arm and a metal leg and gloves aaaaaaaaaaand pull her hair into a cute wittle braid and EVERYTHING!"

"GAD DAMN IT, WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HATE ME SO????!!!" Kadaj spat.

"Hoo ya. THAT one's gonna make a GREAT Halloween costume." Yazoo nodded.

"MUST you yell so loudly, I'm standing right next to you." Vincent commented, her eye twitching.

"GAH!" Kadaj jumped about three feet away. Vincent hadn't really changed noticeably, accept for the fact that she was swimming in her cape (it was really big on her) and she seemed to have shrunk several inches. Kadaj crept forward thoughtfully.

"Heeey. You're pretty cute." She grinned suggestively. "What's _your_ name?"

"Uh… ummm… Kadaj, _sister_." Yazoo cleared her throat.

"Muh, wha-….. HOLY SHIZNIT DOES THIS MAKE ME A LESBIAN OR SOMETHING???!!!" Kadaj jumped, running around until she found the nearest corner.

"Uhhh… Kadaj-chan?" Loz inquired, peering at her sister.

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." Kadaj chanted to herself, rocking back and forth.

Vincent coughed. "Name's Vincent." She answered in a pissed off tone. "And no, I'm not interested in you, no matter what your gender may be. I already have a girl- erm, I mean… boyfriend. Yeah…" She blinked slowly, "And it looks like he's not very happy with you."

"Hoshit." Kadaj stared. In fact, she looked something like dish  O.O

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" a deep, masculine voice rang out as a very very VERY large, sharp, spinning shruiken came flying at Kadaj's head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" she screamed in a high pitched voice, running away.

"CHUNK!" the ninja star pierced into the brick where Kadaj's neck was previously. She gulped and backed away from the man slowly. The man blinked for a second, blushing, then scratched his head.

"Ooops." He grinned nervously. "I'm not used to having so much power behind my attacks. I guess I overdid it this time."

"YA THINK?! I NEARLY GOT MY BLOODY HEAD HACKED OFF BECAUSE OF YOU!" Kadaj growled. Loz poked her.

"Shut up Kadaj-chan. You're not Brisitsh. No British slang for joo."

"STFU!"

"……….. I don't speak in letters."

"FINE THEN! SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP! THAT SIMPLE ENOUGH FOR YOU? OR IS YOUR BRAIN REALLY SO SMALL THAT YOU CAN'T PROCESS WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU?!" Kadaj yelled the last part loudly and slowly.

"Do you have a yelling disorder?" Yazoo asked seriously.

"NO I DO NOT HAVE A YELLING DISORDER!" Kadaj screamed.

Vincent and Yuffie sweatdropped. "Um, weren't we introduced in this part to do more than just listen to you bitch to each other?" Vincent asked.

"And for me to almost decapitate you?" Yuffie asked in an uncharacteristically deep voice.

"Ooo… ya…" Kadaj nodded.

"See! I KNEW he didn't yell all the time!" Loz squeed.

"YOU LIVE WITH ME, YOU SHOIULD KNOW THAT BY NOW!"

"Ummm…" Yuffie coughed, and Kadaj looked his way as Yuffie began blathering on about something or another.

Kadaj blinked and cocked her head to one side, and then the other. Yuffie was a very nice-looking guy with brown tresses that fell over chocolate orbs and he was dressed in an oversized blue hoodie with a pair of khaki board shorts… his lips looked soft and pink and-

Something VERY wrong was happening here.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Kadaj screamed, pulling at her hair and eyes.

"What is it NOW?" Yazoo moaned, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"HOO MY GAWD! Yazoo! My girl side…. I'M THINKING LIKE A WOMAN!" Kadaj moaned.

"Oh, it's not so hard to think like the opposite gender." Yuffie shrugged his broad shoulders. "Actually, I don't have to think at all!"

"WHAT IF I'M TURNING GAY?!" Kadaj screamed, "Its not like any of you are starting to think like the opposite gender or anything!"

"Huh?" Said Vincent, looking up from her nails, which she had been studying carefully.

"Oh, trust me, Kadaj baby, you're not the _only_ one." Yuffie shook his head, looking very interestedly at something right in front of Kadaj…

"Huh?" Kadaj cocked her head to the side and looked down. "….. Oh. OH! YOU- YOU PERVERT!" She marched up to him and was about to slap him upside the head when-

"WHAP!" A very angry she-Vincent stood fuming before he-Yuffie. "You… YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT _MY_ BREASTS!" she howled.

Silence

Crickets chirping in the distance

A dog howling

A car blowing up

Midgar blowing up

Cloud in a pile of ashes

Sephiroth working at McDonalds

…..

Uh, yeah. Just silence.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?!" Vincent jumped back, holding her hands to her chest offendedly. She stalked over to Kadaj. "… May I share your 'happy place' corner?" she asked hopefully. Kadaj nodded dumbly. "… I still hate you though." Vincent spat, before rocking back and forth.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Loz smiled, spinning around in circles. "We are all going craaaaazzzzy!" she drooled a little and fell over, giggling to herself madly. They all stared at her.

"… is she _always_ like this?" Yuffie asked.

"Oh yah, always." Yazoo moaned, rubbing her temples helplessly.

"I WANNA COOKIE!" Loz suddenly screamed.

"…. Yeah…."

Yuffie sighed and walked over to Vincent, kneeling down beside her, "I'm sorry, baby…" He said slowly, then glanced left and then right, "Errr… you know it would still work."

"….. really?"

"OH MY GAWD GET ME OUTTA THIS CRACK FARM!" Kadaj screamed, ramming his head into a nearby tree.

"Oh, its not so bad." Yazoo sighed, looking around, "Actually, I kinda like it here."

"THEN YOU CAN FUCKIN STAY HERE FOR ALL I CARE!" Kadaj yelled, her eye twitching rapidly.

"I think I will." Yazoo grinned.

Meanwhile with chibi Tifa and chibi Cloud…

"HOSHIT! WE HAVE TO FIND THEM BEFORE---" Cloud gagged as he and Tifa raced up the street after Marlene and Denzel.

"THERE! THEY WENT IN THERE!" Tifa squeaked, pointing to a Las-Vegas style hotel… with a built-in drive-through marriage ceremony.

"HOLY SHIT!" Cloud screamed, "HE'S GONNA MARRY HER!"

"AND THEN…" Tifa and Cloud sped up about twenty times.

"Chapter four…" Cloud whispered darkly.

O.O

"RUN CLOUD, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tifa screamed.

They burst through the doors of the hotel ONLY TO FIND---

"I WIN!" Marlene cried as she stood in front of a slot machine as a single quarter tumbled out.

"No fair! I wanna try!" Denzel whined as Marlene took the quarter and put it back into the machine, pulling the lever.

"I WON **_TWO_** QUARTERS THIS TIME!" Marlene cheered.

"Oh… oh thank God…" Tifa placed a hand over her heart as she fell to her knees.

"Hi!" Denzel turned around, "Isn't this fun? I've always wanted to try a slot machine!"

"Yeah… real fun…" Cloud twitched.

And then…

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"Holy shit!" Yuffie screamed in her high-pitched voice. "Oh! Lookie! We're back to normal!"

"THANK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!" Kadaj screamed to nobody in particular, falling to the ground and kissing it.

"I'm tall again!" Cloud rejoiced.

"I'm not normal…"

Everybody turned to see Yazoo, who still remained in her female form.

And they were alllllllllll better… after countless amounts of therapy costing hundreds of dollars 8D

**_END T3H CHAPTER FIVE!!!!!!!111!!!! _**


End file.
